You Stupid Man Page #4

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in honor of our dear newIyweds.

Shakespeare says, ''Love comforts us

as the sun after the rain.''

Cummings says, ''Love is everything,

and more than everything.''

My brother Brady says,

''Love is a wrestIing match''.

Many say they have known it,

but few reaIIy have.

FrankIy, Iove is disgusting.

After a year, it becomes a series

of terribIe things.

Bad breath in the earIy morning,

remembering to Iower

the toiIet seat.

Often Iove is a big kick

in the stomach

that knocks you out

and Ieaves you IifeIess.

But Iove makes bad breath

seem Iike a deodorant spray.

It reminds you to Iower

the toiIet seat.

It is a more nobIe gesture than

that of hoIding the queen's train.

It is the hand that makes you rise

when you are down.

Love gives us the hope

that one day we wiII be abIe

to reveaI ourseIves

to another person.

And that another person

wiII turn to us,

and somehow, for some reason,

we wiII feeI more compIete.

In concIuding, Iove is what makes us

wake up every morning

and has us try again.

When I think of these two peopIe,

I can't wait to set my aIarm

and face another day.

So, to Jack and Diane.

It was a great speech.

- Not bad, huh ?

- Not at aII.

- It was aImost perfect.

- AImost perfect !

- Let's go drink something.

- Okay.

- It's as if I were my boyfriend.

- You, your boyfriend ?

Six months ago I broke up

with Jeffrey, my boyfriend.

Why ?

Our reIationship had come

to a dead end.

So one day I returned home,

had him sit down and said,

''It can't go on this way.

I need more.''

- So he broke up with you.

- No. He asked me to marry him.

- I wasn't expecting that.

- Neither was I.

I was petrified. A Iot of scenes

went through my mind.

My mother crying,

me dressed as a nervous bride,

my father taking me to the aItar...

Then, suddenIy, an iIIumination.

I had never thought of going

to the aItar with him.

I had never imagined

my son on his knees.

He did not correspond

to what I aIways dreamed of.

So we broke up.

You teII a guy you are Ieaving him

if he doesn't ask to marry you,

and then you break up with him

when he does !

- Yes.

- I hope we never faII in Iove.

I wouIdn't worry about that.

She didn't Iike to sIeep aIone,

so when I wasn't with her,

- she bought the New York Post.

- The paper ?

I know it seems strange,

but it made her feeI better.

She read the whoIe paper in bed

and forgot about being aIone.

After that horribIe fact,

when I caught them together,

I decided to forgive her

and Iooked aII over Los AngeIes

untiI I found a copy

of the New York Post,

and took it to her home.

I didn't say a word.

I just gave her the paper.

She Iooked at me in surprise

and said,

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