Tusk Page #4

on the boat? Are you kidding?

Yes, they did.

Which vexed Mr. Hemingway,

to say the least.

You know how he loved

to hunt the big game.

Yeah.

Big and the deadly. Well, there was

nothing bigger or deadlier than a Nazi.

Except perhaps a Nazi's nagging wife.

Nazi b*tches. Of course.

And so, prohibited from

joining the incursion,

Hemingway went to the

galley in search of alcohol.

And the only one to

oblige him, of course,

was a 16-year-old

potato peeler on KP duty.

Oh, my God!

Holy sh*t, no kidding.

Yes, so I proffered for

Hemingway a bottle of Wiser.

And I'll never forget what he did next.

There was a smile crawled

across the man's face.

It was so slow as if

it were a caterpillar.

Then he turned to me and slapped

me on the back and he said,

"You are a kitchen witch

of only good fortune. "

Kitchen witch?

God.

So we drank Wiser and when the

reports came back of how many...

boys had fallen at Omaha.

That's when he said to me,

"Only do sober what you'd do drunk.

"It will teach you to

keep your mouth shut. "

Oh, God, that's... That's nuts, man!

It's incredible.

Well, actually, if you look

to the right of the fireplace,

you'll see the incredible aspect.

This is the bottle?

Holy sh*t!

This is the coolest

thing I've ever seen.

Well, it's just an old bottle.

But if you combine it with a story,

then it becomes, if I may say so,

a powerful talisman,

a doorway to another time and place.

Perhaps, a drawbridge to history.

Yeah.

So f***ing cool.

What's this?

Ah!

I see, you have an eye for the

unfamiliar and the curiosity of a cat.

That should take you very far.

That is the baculum of a walrus.

The Alaskans call it an oosik.

Oosik.

Oh! So it's like a...

Like a walrus spine?

No. It's more like a walrus cock.

Shut up!

I am a dirty boy, aren't I?

This is a walrus dick?

No, no. That's the baculum.

That's the bones found in the

penis of most placental mammals

excluding man, of course.

Ah, that's not fair.

You know,

it is in aid of sexual intercourse.

It maintains the stiffness of the

animal during coital penetration.

Hey, if you got something

like this between your legs,

you don't need any help

with coital penetration.

Jesus Christ!

You are a rapscallion of the

highest order, Mr. Bryton.

- Can I get my hands on it?

- Yes, of course.

Wow!

No, what? This is crazy.

You'd be right to admire the walrus.

It is probably God's most noble creature

far more evolved than

any man I've ever known.

Present company included.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I appreciate that.

So where did you buy something

like this? A head shop?

Well, I became acquainted with a walrus

when I was lost at sea.

Shut the front door!

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