Synopsis: When podcaster Wallace travels to Canada to interview someone, he winds up meeting a strange man named Howe who has many stories to tell about his past life during his interview. Wallace wakes up the next day finding out Howe isn't the person he thought he was. Howe has plans to surgically and mentally turn Wallace into a walrus.
Genre: Comedy, Drama, Horror
Director(s): Kevin Smith
Production: A24 Films
  2 wins & 7 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
102 min

I'm gonna... I'm gonna

f***ing piss my pants.

Hey, if you wanna watch this video,

please go to our

website NotSeeParty. com.



And not "Nazi" with a "Z".

That'd be like cross-dressing

Adolf Eichmann-Liza

Minnelli impersonator.

If I... If I die of

laughter during this segment,

I don't want you to feel bad.

I want you all to

know that I died happy,

because this video is the greatest

thing that's ever happened to me.

It's up to like 30 something million.

Here we... Here we go.


I'm gonna talk to this

kid about everything.

I wanna know... I wanna

know what he masturbates to,

I wanna know if he kept the

leg. Did he keep the leg?

I gotta say though, man. I've

watched this video enough.

I'm starting to feel bad for the kid.

I'm not laughed out yet

but I'm feeling bad for him.

Feeling bad? The kid's got

tons of hits 'cause he's famous.

Right? I mean what more do you

want? He's got more hits than I do.

I'm kinda in a weird way, jealous.

I don't need both legs. What

am I? I'm not running marathons.

So look out, you crazy Canucks.

Something weird-ass this way comes.

Next week, Wanderin' Wallace

takes a raunchy road trip

up to the Great White

North to meet with a star.

My only hope is that

he doesn't cry too much.

Join us next week

while Wallace sits down

with the one-legged wonder,

the master of self-mutilation

of Internet humiliation,

the Kill Bill Kid.

Which is about all you can do

if you're the Kill Bill Kid.

You just sit your one-legged ass down,

- forever.

- Aw.

Oh, it's too easy. It was right there!

- You're going to hell, man. - They're

like plums, like low-hanging plums.

I had to grab it.

Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft.

And this is Wallace

Bryton reminding you to...

Join ze Not-See Party!

Welcome to Canada.


Hey, there.

Hey there, yourself, fellow

facial hair aficionado.

Yeah, not as good as you. My God!

- Yeah, years back. Now it's...

- Los Angeles.

A man torn betwixt Devils and Kings.

Oh! Hockey.

You're damn right, hockey.

Hmm. I don't really follow hockey.


Hands off the counter, please.


Yeah, really. Thank you.

- Sorry.

- Sorry.

- Sorry.

- Sorry.


When you're visiting the

Great White North of Canada,

you got your Cana-Do's and

you got your Cana-Don'ts.

Top shelf, right there. Number one.

Don't go tell any Canadian

you don't follow hockey.

Of course!

I should've known that.

It makes 'em sad, right?

A Canadian doesn't get sad.

Sadness was made by the USA.

Oh, come on. What does that mean?

Take off, it's true.

Right there on our flag.

It's right there when you look at it.

When you see past

that sacred Maple Leaf,

you know what you see?

A white wall.

You see that in America,

you may be red, white and blue.

But in Canada, you're red,

white but never blue, eh?


Got you. That's actually...

You know, I've never thought

of it that way before.

I always think of

Canadians as just nice.

Well, that right there

is another Cana-Don't.

We're not nice, we're

optimistic. There is a difference.

- Right.

- And we're tolerant.

- Hmm.

- And we're hung like moose.


That's great.

Back to business, then.

What're you doing in Manitoba?

Um, I'm recording a podcast.

So what I do is, I, uh...

I travel around and I interview

weird or interesting people

and I describe it to my best friend

who does not see it first-hand

since he won't fly anywhere.

It's called The Not-See Party.

Whoa, whoa! Nazi Party?

Oh, no. It's

spelled N-O-T-S-E-E,

not the other... Hatey one.

You know, that Hitler.

You don't say Hitler in an airport.

All right.

What the f*** is this?


Oh, sh*t!

Oh, f***!

Hey, f***er. Are you ready for this?

F***ing Kill Bill Kid

f***ing killed himself, sir!

With his own f***ing sword!

Can you believe that sh*t?

I'm not f***ing kidding you.

He couldn't hold out for two more days,

the selfish little

peg-legged piece of sh*t.

I'm so pissed off right now. I

gotta find a flight back tonight.

But I'm thinking I don't wanna

come all the way back with nothing.

We need a show this week, so...

I'm in f***ing Winnipeg

in a bar called, uh...

Bar "H."

I don't know what the f***

I'm gonna do. I'm gonna...

Try to find some other Canadian

weirdo up here I can talk to, but...

I gotta be honest, man.

There is nothing weird about Canada.

It is painfully boring up here.

But sh*t! $550 for a

f***ing plane ticket.

Selfish little prick.

I know it's f***ed up to say, but...

God damn it! It was killing me.

All right.

Signing off from the Great White North.

Coo loo coo coo, coo coo coo

Coo loo coo coo

Oh, sh*t. Beep.

Hey, man, where is your bathroom?

Hello, I am an old man

who has enjoyed a long

and storied life at sea.

I am a proud Canadian who

has traveled a peculiar path

lo these many years.

And after eons of oceanic adventure,

I find myself a landlubber,

with Manitoba as my final port.

I know I do not wish to

spend my remaining years alone

in a giant house.

Not when I have such stories to share.

No, it's not the room I'm interested in

as much as you, Mr. Howe.

Yeah, tonight would be...

That'd be amazing, sir. Yes, thank you.

All right, where am I going?

Bifrost? Sounds erotic.

Okay, let me just ask

somebody how far I am.

Excuse me, hey!

Uh, how far is Bifrost from here?

Bifrost? Sh*t! That's far.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote

Kevin Smith

Kevin Patrick Smith (born August 2, 1970) is an American filmmaker, actor, comedian, public speaker, comic book writer, author, and podcaster. He came to prominence with the low-budget comedy Clerks (1994), which he wrote, directed, co-produced, and acted in as the character Silent Bob of stoner duo "Jay & Silent Bob". Jay and Silent Bob have appeared in Smith's follow-up films Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back which were mostly all set in his home state of New Jersey. While not strictly sequential, the films frequently featured crossover plot elements, character references, and a shared canon described by fans as the "View Askewniverse", named after his production company View Askew Productions, which he co-founded with Scott Mosier. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Tusk" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 23 Jun 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/tusk_22372>.

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