The Jeff Dunham Show Page #3

Season #1 Episode #6

Genre: Comedy

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Year:: 2009
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Jeff:
All right. Well, we're back.
Achmed:
Greetings, infidels!
Jeff:
How are you, Achmed?
Achmed:
I'm not great. Can you explain why?
Jeff:
Well, Achmed almost got arrested again...
Achmed:
Yes.
Jeff:
Trying to blow up a store.
Achmed:
It's not my fault. There was a sign outside that said everything must go. They didn't say how.
Jeff:
Well, Achmed, if you're trying to become a U.S. citizen, you can't do stuff like that.
Achmed:
You Americans with your laws and your respect for women. You're so silly.
Jeff:
But Achmed, did you ever get your citizenship?
Achmed:
Oh, interesting story.
"Johnny, commence roll call!
"Aye, aye, Sergeant Major."
"Private Roberts report as ordered."
"Private Nijani report as ordered."
Achmed:
Private Achmed reported for killing.
"How did this disgusting thing get in my formation? Do it like the others did it! Do you understand that?"
Achmed:
I peed in my pants a little.
"How many times are we gonna have to go over this?"
Achmed:
Four.
"Hey, Gunny, I got him. Where are you from?"
Achmed:
Oklahoma.
"Oklahoma?"
Achmed:
Okay, Kansas.
"What are you doing with a name like Achmed, from Oklahoma or Kansas? Where are you from?"
Achmed:
It was the desert part of Oklahoma.
"Drop and give me 50!"
Achmed:
50? $50?
"50 pushups! That's on your face, up and down, up and down."
Achmed:
That's what she said.
"Come on!"
"Come on! You can do it. Let's go!"
Achmed:
Wow, I have really let myself go.
"Stop your crying!"
Achmed:
I am not crying. I am whining. Totally different.
"Keep your eyeballs on the deck!"
Achmed:
This might not be the best time to ask, but when do I get the shiny sword and the pretty white gloves?
"Your next bit of instruction will be on the M-4 service rifle. It shoots anywhere from 700 to 950 rounds..."
Achmed:
No wonder the infidels are beating the terrorists. Your weapons make ours look like slingshots, especially our slingshots.
"Commence firing when your target appears."
Achmed:
Okay.
Achmed:
Can we have a do-over?
Achmed:
So, um, what is this exactly that we are eating?
"It's meals ready to eat."
Achmed:
I got to tell you. I'll be honest. They have better food than this in the Taliban. I'm not kidding. Do any of you, um, have a tough time with, uh, pushups?
"No, no."
"No."
"Oh, I do."
Achmed:
Oh, even the girl can do pushups. This is embarrassing."
"Let's go. You heard the Sergeant Major."

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Jeff Dunham

Jeffrey "Jeff" Dunham (born April 18, 1962) is an American ventriloquist and comedian who has also appeared on numerous television shows, including Late Show with David Letterman, Comedy Central Presents, The Tonight Show and Sonny With a Chance. He has six specials that run on Comedy Central: Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself, Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity, Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos, Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters, and Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map. Dunham also starred in The Jeff Dunham Show, a series on the network in 2009.His style has been described as "a dressed-down, more digestible version of Don Rickles with multiple personality disorder". Describing his characters, Time magazine said, "All of them are politically incorrect, gratuitously insulting and ill tempered." Dunham has been credited with reviving ventriloquism, and doing more to promote the art form than anyone since Edgar Bergen.Dunham has been called "America's favorite comedian" by Slate.com, and according to the concert industry publication Pollstar, he is the top-grossing standup act in North America, and is among the most successful acts in Europe as well. As of November 2009, he has sold over four million DVDs, an additional $7 million in merchandise sales, and received more than 350 million hits on YouTube as of October 2009 (his introduction of Achmed the Dead Terrorist in Spark of Insanity was ranked as the ninth most watched YouTube video at the time). A Very Special Christmas Special was the most-watched telecast in Comedy Central history, with its DVD selling over 400,000 in its first two weeks. Forbes.com ranked Dunham as the third highest-paid comedian in the United States behind Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock, and reported that he was one of the highest-earning comics from June 2008 to June 2009, earning approximately $30 million during that period. Dunham also does occasional acting roles. He achieved the Guinness Book of World Records record for "Most tickets sold for a stand-up comedy tour" for his Spark of Insanity tour, performing in 386 venues worldwide. more…

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