The Jeff Dunham Show Page #4

Season #1 Episode #6

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"Aye, aye, sir."

"Let's go. Grab your stuff and get out of here."

Achmed:
Where am I going?

"Let's go."

Achmed:
What happened? Is there a war?

"Well, that includes you, too, Private Achmed."

Achmed:
I haven't had my dessert.

"You're done eating. Grab your gear, put your boots on your feet, and get over there with the rest of the Marines."

Achmed:
Okay. I always take a nap after lunch. And-And sometimes I have a blanket. Want to join me?

Achmed:
Son of a female goat, I am so weak!

"Eyes straight to the front. Just keep pushing!"

Achmed:
How many was that?

"Zero!"

Achmed:
Is that in Marine numbers?

"Next thing we're gonna cover is throwing the M-67 fragmentation grenade."

Achmed:
So, Coach, you actually throw the explosive?

"Yes, you're gonna throw the grenade."

Achmed:
You don't duct-tape it to yourself and run into a crowd of people and then it goes...

"No. You're actually going to release the grenade and throw it as far as you can.

Achmed:
Well, I guess that makes more sense. Wait till the guys back home hear about this.

Achmed:
Hoorah!

Achmed:
Son of a b*tch, my arm!

"Stop! Stop!"

"Achmed!"

Achmed:
I found it!

"Achmed, watch out!"

Achmed:
Huh?

(Boom!)

Achmed:
Damn it.

"Hey, Achmed, what's going on? What's the matter?"

Achmed:
I suck at being a Marine. It is so much harder than being a terrorist. I don't know if you noticed, but I'm the worst recruit here.

"You have to have some confidence. Have confidence. You can do it."

Achmed:
You are very wise. Are you sure you're not a man?

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

Achmed:
You are like Demi Moore in G.I. Jane. You inspire me while you turn me on. Let's do this!

"Come on!"

Achmed:
I can do it!

Achmed:
I did it! The few, the proud, the Achmed! Uh-oh! I guess this means I can't be a Marine.

Achmed:
I just want to say I love you all and not in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" way. And thank you for your help, Private Moreno.

"Oo-rah!

Achmed:
Yes, Oprah. Well, I was hoping to become a U.S. Citizen, but no big deal. I can always get back in through Mexico and...

"Who the hell's driving that damn thing?"

Walter:
I killed you, dumbass!

Achmed:
It's not funny!

Jeff:
Achmed, it looks like you learned a lot that day.

Achmed:
Yes, I guess so. I learned your military has insanely high standards.

Jeff:
Like what?

Achmed:
Like being able to do more than one push-up a day. Uh, not doing combat in open-toed shoes.

Jeff:
Yeah.

Achmed:
I also learned not to give a good-bye speech in the middle of the road because Walter is one of those dangerous, old drivers.

Jeff:
Achmed?

Achmed:
I'm sorry. I meant he's an a**hole driver. Yes, I said a**hole. A**hole. Read my teeth.

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