The Fake News with Ted Nelms Page #4

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would help the President

if the well filled

up with liquid

unless that liquid were acid,

in which case the President

would be instantly dissolved.

But, as of now,

the well is dry,

most

likely strewn with garbage,

Gatorade bottles,

cigarette butts,

old nudie mags, Penthouse,

Club International,

that sort of thing.

And since the well

was dug in 1881,

we

have to assume the President

is currently surrounded

with human skeletons,

a grounds keeper,

Warren G. Harding's

mistress, and so forth.

It

seems a little outlandish.

Does it, meat puppet?

[ Chuckles ] Well,

this is my realm,

a binary reality

of ones and zeros!

You can't catch me, Ted,

for I am the

[ Distorted voice ] Data Lord!

[ Laughs maniacally ]

Pure information!

Unbound by the petty

strictures of matter,

manipulating cyber pulses

in a digital orchestra.

[ Normal voice ]

H-H-H-H-H-H-H-Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Okay. Thanks, Carl.

He does

this. He'll tire himself out eventually.

In the meantime,

Target has released

a new litter of

seasonal workers

from its corporate

birthing sack.

Genetically identical

team members

will be put down after

the holiday rush.

Returning now to

Hurricane Randy.

[ Guitar riff plays ] Not

every story of the storm

is a nightmarish fox-trot with

a dance partner named Death.

Sometimes it's an uplifting

waltz with a homespun hero.

On

tonight's "Good Samari-cans,"

we spotlight one man

who is helping out.

Aliena:
Meet

Charlie Shelton,

a data specialist

from Youngstown, Ohio.

He's

the founder of a charity

that collects an item most

relief organizations overlook.

So this is the panty pantry.

Great.

This is it.

Reporter:
The panty pantry.

It may look like an

ordinary suburban garage,

but inside is a meticulously

organized collection

of female undergarments

waiting to clothe needy

disaster survivors.

When our crack team

of TFN Helper Hunters

discovered your website,

I was literally blown

away by your dedication

to the cause that every woman,

man, and child needs underwear.

Just women's panties, though.

Why specifically panties?

I mean, if you think

about it, it's, like, the hardest thing,

probably, to get in a

disaster situation.

Hmm.

There's some crazy disaster,

and -- and

-- and you just need panties, right?

Right.

How are you going to get them?

Nobody has got panties.

Yeah. They're out

of generators.

They're out of panties.

I just

felt like this was, like --

This is where I can

do the most --

This is where I can

do the most good.

But if Charlie Shelton's

going to do the most good,

he's going to need a little

help from the rest of us.

And how can people donate to

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