The Fake News with Ted Nelms

Synopsis: A news show with topical humor parodying shows such as CNN and MSNBC, diving further into the absurd of the 24 hour news cycle.
Genre: Comedy


Welcome to "The Fake

News." I'm Ted Nelms.

Thanks for inviting

me into your home.

I love what you've

done with the place.

We've got a lot to get to,

so let's jump right in.

First, Hurricane Randy

on the warpath.

Destination, Florida. Main

course, massive damage.

All that despite having

the really laid-back,

cool name of Randy.

Then, President Trump still

trapped at the bottom of a well.

After seven days, are we any

closer to a successful rescue?

And an exclusive with

Senator Bill Cassidy

on his failed attempt

to eat an entire cow.

Am I disappointed?


It is a

disappointment for myself.

I am Ted Nelms, and this

is "The Fake News."

Dun, da-da-dun, da-da-dun


[ Music ends ]

[ Chord plays ]

[ Chord, chimes play ]

[ Chords play ]

[ Chord plays ]

Welcome to the TFN


I'm Ted Nelms.

Let's get started in

Florida with team coverage

of Hurricane Randy.

We've got Abby Wofsy

running late a few blocks away,


McCoy in a tree,

and Mark Telfer

is bearing the brunt

of the storm

in the Florida Keys.

Thanks, Mark.

Thanks, Ted. I'm here...

Not so fast.

Mark, let's go to TFN meteorologist Jane Gordon

standing by in the

TFN Severe Weather Lounge.


Ted, moments ago,

Hurricane Randy

was upgraded from a

category 4 to a category 5.

Oh, my God!

Jane, explain

for our viewers,

but not to me,

because I already know,

the difference

between a category-4

and a category-5 hurricane.

- Well, it's one

worse, Ted. -Got it.

Now the storm surges

could be as high as 10 feet.

To put that in everyday terms,

an African pygmy mouse

is 1.8 inches long.

If you strap 66.667 pygmy

mice end to end on a board,

then turn

that board vertically,

the height of

the mice would be the height of the storm surge.

And, for

our viewers who may be in Randy's path,

what should they do?

Learn a second language

or a musical instrument.

It will enrich

your life immeasurably.

Great advice.

Thanks, Jane.

Now, over

to the Florida Keys,

where Randy

is expected to leave nothing but rubble.

Mark Telfer is there.

Mark, news

me right in the face!

Hi, Ted.

Here in the Keys,

residents are

racing to prep for the storm

by boarding

up their homes,

tying down loved

ones, and fleeing town.

Meanwhile, the National

Guard is stockpiling on diesel,

clean water, and canned

goods for hundreds of reporters

like me who are an

unnecessary burden on the community.

Now, Mark, I

was expecting the scene

to be a little more intense.

Well, Randy hasn't

made landfall in the U.S. yet,

Ted, so it's still

relatively calm here.

But is it making

landfall elsewhere?

Yes, it is, Ted.

Oh, hi, Jane.

Oh, hi, Ted.

The Italian

Antilles are being pummeled

by the hurricane as we speak.

That sounds terrifying.

Mark, I can't

believe you'll be reporting

from that location

next time we see you.

Well, that is going to

be a little bit difficult, Ted.

They have banned all

travel to and from the islands.

All the

more incredible that you're going to

find a

way to get there. God, I admire you, Mark.

Yeah. Okay, Ted.

Later, evacuation or evacu-cation?

Could this

mandatory doomsday exodus

turn into that

relaxing getaway your family has been craving?

But first, a quick correction.

Yesterday, we

reported on a new theme park

that allows

visitors to live out their Wild West fantasies

with the help

of lifelike robots.

That turned

out to be a TV show.

[ Scooter

crashes ] Man:


Randy isn't the only major crisis

facing America --

President Donald Trump,

Rate this script:(3.00 / 1 vote)

Ed Helms

Edward Parker Helms (born January 24, 1974) is an American actor, comedian, and singer. He is known for his work as a correspondent on The Daily Show as well as playing Andy Bernard in the U.S. version of The Office, the Once-ler in The Lorax (2012), Stuart Price in The Hangover trilogy, and Mr. Krupp/Captain Underpants in Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (2017). more…

All Ed Helms scripts | Ed Helms Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"The Fake News with Ted Nelms" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 20 Feb. 2020. <>.

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