Robin Williams - Live on Broadway Page #5

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as the first couple of Utah.

I went "Uh-uh, honey, no!

They're only a couple in Arkansas".

If you're going to Georgia,

Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up.

Jane found God

and Ted found out it wasn't him.

We're at the olympics once again,

we're talking about

the figure skating.

I find the figure skating

to be kinda sexy.

Not ice dancing, which is polka

on Valium. That's not good.

There's that pairs figure skating.

There's that one very special lift.

Where the male skater goes...

Right here!

Where even a gynecologist would go

"Put on a glove, man"!

Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?

And I'm going

"Let's cut the foreplay,"

"let's have ice f***ing,

come on"!

And she holds on without her hands!

Even the French judge would go

"I like it"!

"I don't care. I'm giving them

the medal. F*** the Canadians"!

"So fabulous"!

There's other kinda sexual things

in the Olympics, there's the louge,

about which I have only one question.

What drunken, German gynecologist

invented that sport?

"You know what? I want

to dress like a sperm,"

"shove an ice skate in my ass,"

"and go balls first

down an ice chute".

"Ya! That would be fun".

No! This is for pussies!

- How will you stir?

- I will do kegels!

"I will flex my ass

and go down the ramp"!

And do not talk to me

about the two men louge.

I'm saying "Boys, get a room"!

"Make that turn, you bastard, make it"!

"Hard right, you f***er, hard right"!

Pour guy gets to the end of the run

"I got wood man, I'm sorry"!

"You cost us the race"!

"Your penis going frr was

"We could've won if you

weren't going brrring"!

"Dolphin boy"!

There's always some

horrible drug scandal.

This year was a Spanish

cross-country skilor...

Skilor, which is like a skier.

- Are you a skilor?

- Yes!

They accused him of taking

some performance enhancing drug.

Like an elephant growth hormone.

"Are you on some sort of drug"?

"Are you taking an

animal tranquilizer"?

And they didn't bother

drug testing the snowboarders.

"Go, go my little boys, have fun"!

I guess they realized the word

"half pipe" ment something.

Remember the kid who

won the gold medal?

He was in freestyle.

- You wanna be on a box of Whities?

- No. Count Chocula.

A-ha! A clue, Sherlock!

The poor Canadian snowboarder,

in the 1998 Olympics,

they took away his medal because

he tested positive for marijuana,

which is kinda redundant number one.

Number two, they said that marijuana

was a "performance-enhancing drug".

Marijuana enhances many things,

colors, tastes, sensations,

but you are certainly

not f***ing empowered.

When you're stoned, you're lucky if

you can find your own goddamn feet.

The only way it's a

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