Miss Congeniality Page #5

You've been completely antagonistic

to me from the second I walked in.

I was once the most

sought-after, highly paid...

...consultant in pageant history.

I had no idea.

Every season, girls would plead

with me to train them.

T en out of 1 1 years...

... my girls were crowned.

The year we lost,

the winner was a deaf-mute.

You can't beat that.

Then...

...in ' 96...

... my girl froze like a puddle halfway

through her aria from La Boheme.

Afterwards, she told

a reporter from pageant Magazine...

...that I was a perfectionist...

...who had harangued her

to within an inch of her sanity.

Of course,

after that article came out...

... nobody wanted me.

Okay. With all due respect here...

...why did Miss Morningside

suggest you?.

Because I am the best.

Or perhaps it's because everyone else

worth having had a contestant.

They had their Southern belles,

their Midwestern farmers' daughters.

Spunky Western cowgirls.

And I have...

... Dirty Harriet.

Will you desist?.

Yeah.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I haven't seen a walk like that

since Jurassic park.

It's been working really well for me

for the past 30 years, all right?.

Well, glide, now. Glide.

Don't look down, don't look down.

Don't look down, look up. Your chin

should be parallel to the floor.

Now glide. Glide.

It's not the bloody Ice Capades.

Gliding.

No, no. Don't pick your feet up.

Don't pick your feet up.

Why are you picking your feet up?.

Because I'm preparing to run away.

No, wait. Wait.

Watch me.

Glide. Glide.

See?. Glide.

It's all in the buttocks.

Don't I look pretty?

It takes a very secure man

to walk like that.

Roll your hips.

Head up, head up. IKeep gliding--

I'm gliding here!

What are you, blind?.

A**hole.

Look how she walks. She's floating.

Lightly ascending

from cloud to cloud...

...towards heaven.

He takes one look at that fake rack...

... he's gonna send her right back.

Look, she's gonna cry again.

" If I only had a brain! "

I am somewhat less than amused.

How's she doing?.

With some intensive work...

...she'll be ready for the world's

finest trailer park.

Thank you!

Both painful...

...and grotesque.

Isn't it?

Oh, my God!

Mr. Vic, we got everything

you asked for. Where do we start?.

T eeth, hair, manicure, pedicure.

Which one first?.

What are you gonna do to my teeth?.

Hopefully, remove the beer stains

and steak residue.

Can't I get some Novocain?.

It's only a cleaning.

Sweeney T odd, what are you doing?.

Your hair should make a statement.

As long as it's not,

"Thanks for the Country Music Award. "

You'll be lucky

if I can get it untangled.

No mercy.

Can I borrow that drill?.

Attention. Attention.

All hair removal units,

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