Jeff Ross Roasts America Page #3

to meet you.

Honey, i'll see you...When?

When will i see you?

- After the show.

- After the show?

Do you ever suck dick

for coke?

How about diet pepsi?

Do you take diet pepsi?

Mamala, thank you

for being a good sport.

- Thank you.

- Thank you for coming up here

When i asked for

a volunteer.

Good luck with your baby

and your daddy.

Oh, that was so fun.

Washington, d.C. Has

a reputation for being uptight.

That wasn't the case with

the people i was running into.

Hey, honest abe!

Want to come hear me

roast abe lincoln?

Last time i roasted

somebody this stoned,

It was charlie sheen.

Abe, you were america's

best president ever,

And our

worst theatergoer ever.

- Too soon, too soon.

Too soon?

All:
too soon.

I heard that play

was so bad,

He was hoping

to get shot in the head.

Too soon,

too soon, too soon.

Of course,

abe lincoln freed the slaves.

Is that why all black people

drive lincolns?

Now i'm gonna go roast

martin luther king.

Come on!

- Yeah!

I heard that they

just approved medical marijuana

Here in washington too.

Is that true?

It'll be

a billion-Dollar industry.

Doctors will start

advertising on tv.

"Do you have trouble

sleeping 12-14 hours a night?"

Sometimes i wake up

after nine or ten hours.

"Are cartoons not as funny

as they used to be?"

We're in a political area.

Do you guys think, uh,

the president

Should get his job back?

No!

- Really?

He gets a lot of credit

for, uh, being on the lookout

For osama bin laden and killing

that motherf***er, right?

Osama bin laden, living in

that run-Down compound

For years

With his 3 wives

and 11 kids.

I have a theory

that osama bin laden

Called the navy seals

himself.

"Somebody f***ing kill me

"Before i do something crazy.

"I'm at

1313 boulevard,

"Abbottabad.

A-A-A-B-B-B-A-A-

B-B-A-A-A-A-

B-B-B-A-A-B-A

as in aah!

Anybody who wants to

come onstage.

It has to be

volunteer only.

This is gonna be...

Look at this guy, wow.

You got balls

for coming out.

That's awesome.

You could stay.

Your buddy could stay.

Holy sh*t.

This is too f***ing...

Oh, my god,

when did harold kumar?

Look at this, we got the

bob's big boy up here.

The f...

Holy sh*t, you got

the biggest tits up here.

What's up, man, how you doing?

- What's up, bro?

- Nice to see you, buddy.

Are you really

on the redskins?

- Damn right.

- What position do you play?

Bottom?

You got brass balls

coming up here

To get

speed-Roasted.

This guy has seen

more life experience

Than i'm ever gonna see

Or most people will ever see

in their lives.

I talk sh*t for a living.

I live in a country

where free speech

Is the most important thing

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