Jeff Ross Roasts America
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2012
- 60 min
- 79 Views
- What's that?
Whitney houston
just died.
That's a joke.
All:
no.Whitney houston
just died?
Sh*t. Houston,
we have a problem.
- Too soon!
- Too soon?
Apparently not.
hey.
Look out, everybody.
Jeff ross here.
Yeah!
Hola!
What's up? What's up?
I'm heading out
Roasting my way
around america...
How often are you gonna
get roasted by the master?
If you're pregnant
or weird-Looking...
You have
a civic obligation...
To get 15 seconds of pain,
if your skin is thick enough.
Volunteer only.
Here we f***ing go.
Finding out
who can take it...
Listen,
slumdog thousand-Aire.
You're like
You're not
Look at that!
And who can't.
Aah! Ow!
Whoo! Ow!
Let freedom zing...
And let the roasting begin!
My first stop
was my second home, seattle.
I warmed up backstage
by roasting my nephew, jared,
Right before the show.
Happy birthday.
What do you want to be
if you grow up?
Nice outfit, i didn't know
baby gap had women's clothes.
Jared looks like justin bieber
if he cut his own hair.
That's pretty good.
Behave or i'll drop you off
at penn state university.
Put your hands together
for the roastmaster general,
Jeffrey ross, everybody.
This worked out.
Thank you, seattle.
I got a haircut
for you people.
I told the guy, "make me look
like gaddafi's nephew."
didn't it, seattle?
Almost.
How many days a week does it...
All:
seven!- Seven days a week?
You people are wetter
than whitney houston
In a beverly hills
hotel bathtub.
You people...
- Too soon!
- Never too soon, sir.
How stoned
are these motherfuckers?
People smoke pot
in seattle?
Yee-Haw!
You can say anything while
you're holding in pot smoke
And it makes it okay,
right?
Mom's dead.
Uh-Oh, i don't know
if i want it.
I want to stick my pinkie
in your a**hole.
I'll take that as a yes.
but she didn't show up.
She told me
she's writing her book.
That's gonna be
a can't-Rememoir.
That plot's
gonna have more holes
Than kurt cobain's garage.
Too soon for the kurt jokes,
seattle?
I haven't read the book,
but i bet it ends with a bang.
All apologies.
How far does bill gates
live from here?
Bill gates is so rich,
He wipes his ass
with seahawks tickets.
Bill gates is so rich,
he's 100% of the 1% of the 1%.
Bill gates is so rich,
He hired cancer
to kill steve jobs.
This is my guitar
from high school.
I consider it
an old friend.
When i'm on the road,
i bring it with me,
And, uh,
it keeps me company.
Steve jobs was a great american,
and that one...
That one was...
At his funeral, his family made
And then it didn't work
'cause you needed flash.
They put him in
Then they paid extra
for a plastic case
To protect it
from scratches.
Did you see him?
He was thinner than the ipad 2
At the end there.
Everybody wanted to
work for steve jobs,
Except his pancreas.
Steve jobs,
roast in peace.
I made a challenge
that i would try
Speed-Roasting volunteers
from the audience.
I don't pick on people.
It has to be volunteer only.
15 seconds of pain,
seattle.
Whoever wants to come up,
now's your chance.
I'll take the first, like,
eight people or something.
Okay, hold on,
that's enough dudes.
Wait a second.
All right, just women now.
Just women only.
Women only.
All right.
Oh, my god, look at this
lost kardashian.
What's up?
- I love you, jeff!
- Oh, my go...Oh!
Pop! Pop!
- You're so sexy.
- Oh, my god, wow.
Somebody get her
a black cock fast.
Ow! Ow!
Look at this gay nazi
over here.
heil hitler!
Come on, do it with me.
Do it with me.
Heil hitler!
And this guy,
what's your story?
I saw you at the theater
when i walked by
At, like,
what time today?
Uh, i think it was,
like, 2:
00.This guy got to
the theater at 2:00.
I thought he was
a really big fan,
Turns out
he's f***ing homeless.
What do you do?
- Uh, i'm a laser operator.
- A what?
- A laser operator.
You must
get tons of p*ssy.
Just one.
- Just one?
- Yeah.
- You have a wife?
- Um, in a couple months.
Oh, you're gonna...
You're engaged?
- Yes.
- Wow, what does she do?
- She...
- I know she's not a dentist.
You asked for this, buddy.
I didn't...I didn't...
- No, hey, hey.
- Come here, ladies.
Let's check you out
for a second.
Two fives
make a ten, right?
Right!
Yeah! We're doing it!
We're f***ing doing it!
Wow.
You have such a sweet face.
- Aw, thank you.
Are you, like, missing
a chromosome or something?
Yeah, for sure.
For sure.
But...But it makes everything
so much better.
I feel you.
I could see that.
- Good.
I love you guys.
And look at you.
You stole a tablecloth
from chuck e. Cheese.
Hey, man, it's a recession.
It's a recession.
You talking about
your tits?
Oh, my god,
look at that.
I'd like to give you both
my space needle.
Bet your pussies
smell like pike's place.
Take a bow, you guys.
You can go back to your seats.
Super, super cool of you ladies
to come up here.
Good luck with your pubic hairs
coming in.
- All right, any time now.
- Love you.
- Thank you, darling.
Security, escort her
back to my hotel room, please.
A cold, beautiful day
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