Jeff Ross Roasts America

Synopsis: Jeff Ross visits several cities across the country, roasting the towns and the residents in volunteer-only speed roasts. Roasting his way through cities including Seattle, Toronto, Las Vegas, Miami and Madison, Ross roasts a statue of Abe Lincoln in Washington D.C., gets roasted by John Rich in Nashville, and in Minneapolis, brings an old friend onstage to tell a very intimate story the way only Jeff Ross can.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Jay Karas
Actors: Jeffrey Ross
 
IMDB:
7.4
TV-MA
Year:
2012
60 min
8 Views

- Whitney houston just died.

- What's that?

Whitney houston

just died.

That's a joke.

All:
no.

Whitney houston

just died?

Shit. Houston,

we have a problem.

- Too soon!

- Too soon?

Apparently not.

hey.

Look out, everybody.

Jeff ross here.

Yeah!

Hola!

What's up? What's up?

I'm heading out

on my first national tour,

Roasting my way

around america...

How often are you gonna

get roasted by the master?

If you're pregnant

or weird-Looking...

You have

a civic obligation...

To get 15 seconds of pain,

if your skin is thick enough.

Volunteer only.

Here we fucking go.

Finding out

who can take it...

Listen,

slumdog thousand-Aire.

You're like

a sitcom black dude.

You're not

a regular black dude.

Look at that!

And who can't.

Aah! Ow!

Whoo! Ow!

Let freedom zing...

And let the roasting begin!

My first stop

was my second home, seattle.

I warmed up backstage

by roasting my nephew, jared,

Right before the show.

Happy birthday.

What do you want to be

if you grow up?

Nice outfit, i didn't know

baby gap had women's clothes.

Jared looks like justin bieber

if he cut his own hair.

That's pretty good.

Behave or i'll drop you off

at penn state university.

Put your hands together

for the roastmaster general,

Jeffrey ross, everybody.

This worked out.

Thank you, seattle.

I got a haircut

for you people.

I told the guy, "make me look

like gaddafi's nephew."

It almost rained today,

didn't it, seattle?

Almost.

How many days a week does it...

You think it rains here?

All:
seven!

- Seven days a week?

You people are wetter

than whitney houston

In a beverly hills

hotel bathtub.

You people...

- Too soon!

- Never too soon, sir.

How stoned

are these motherfuckers?

People smoke pot

in seattle?

Yee-Haw!

You can say anything while

you're holding in pot smoke

And it makes it okay,

right?

Mom's dead.

Uh-Oh, i don't know

if i want it.

I want to stick my pinkie

in your asshole.

I'll take that as a yes.

I invited courtney love,

but she didn't show up.

She told me

she's writing her book.

That's gonna be

a can't-Rememoir.

That plot's

gonna have more holes

Than kurt cobain's garage.

Too soon for the kurt jokes,

seattle?

I haven't read the book,

but i bet it ends with a bang.

All apologies.

How far does bill gates

live from here?

Bill gates is so rich,

He wipes his ass

with seahawks tickets.

Bill gates is so rich,

he's 100% of the 1% of the 1%.

Bill gates is so rich,

He hired cancer

to kill steve jobs.

This is my guitar

from high school.

I consider it

an old friend.

When i'm on the road,

i bring it with me,

And, uh,

it keeps me company.

Steve jobs was a great american,

and that one...

That one was...

At his funeral, his family made

this elaborate tribute video,

And then it didn't work

'cause you needed flash.

They put him in

this really expensive coffin.

Then they paid extra

for a plastic case

To protect it

from scratches.

Did you see him?

He was thinner than the ipad 2

At the end there.

Everybody wanted to

work for steve jobs,

Except his pancreas.

Steve jobs,

roast in peace.

I made a challenge

that i would try

Speed-Roasting volunteers

from the audience.

I don't pick on people.

It has to be volunteer only.

15 seconds of pain,

seattle.

Whoever wants to come up,

now's your chance.

I'll take the first, like,

eight people or something.

Okay, hold on,

that's enough dudes.

Wait a second.

All right, just women now.

Just women only.

Women only.

All right.

Oh, my god, look at this

lost kardashian.

What's up?

- I love you, jeff!

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"Jeff Ross Roasts America" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 24 Jun 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jeff_ross_roasts_america_11221>.

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