Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #4

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[laughter]

When you feel that's gotta happen,

it's gotta happen now! Go! Go! Go!

In front of children, Christmas Eve,

family portrait, messing with my dick.

[laughter and cheering]

# Messing with my dick in public #

Wahoo!

# It's a dick puzzle

and I'm solving it now #

# Maximum comfort at any cost #

# This is my right,

Nancy, get off my back #

- So...

- [laughter]

So many guys right now have to adjust.

They're like, "I'm not gonna do it!"

[laughter]

[laughter]

I believe that's what Elvis was doing.

[laughter]

Makes sense.

Needed my liner. Now you understand

that I needed it, guys, okay?

Needed the f***ing liner. That means

I had to find the liner in my bag.

- However, I had a big bag.

- [laughter]

There's a very specific way

that women will search for something

when we have a big bag.

What do you do?

You take a designated search claw...

[laughter]

and you plunge it.

[laughter]

[cheering]

[applause]

Never breaking eye contact with your prey,

I mean your date.

[laughter]

Notice I haven't blinked, Chicago.

Dedication acting.

[cheering]

[applause]

The constant eye contact

being a reminder that,

yes, I can multitask and keep talking.

I'll make a great partner. Marry me.

[laughter]

Meanwhile, to the outside world,

it looks like you're wrestling

with a very small bass.

If you're a pro,

you keep conversation moving.

Still haven't blinked.

If you're a pro,

you keep conversation moving.

"I'm listening. Keep talking.

Keep talking. I can look and listen.

Say FanDuel one more time, motherf***er.

I'm listening."

[laughter and applause]

You're digging around in there.

Meanwhile, as a woman,

you're having to come to terms

with the seventh layer of hell

that is the bottom of your bag.

It's just a graveyard of dismembered pens,

there's coins.

Why is there always a Nature's Valley

granola bar crumbled... at the bottom?

[cheering and applause]

You stick your hand down, you come up

with oats between your fingernails.

You're like, "Ow! Ow!"

[laughter]

Digging around.

A gym lock, a phone charger,

a concealer without its lid.

Why? Why can't we make them

with retractable lids

that don't break off?

Because you stick your hand down there,

unknowingly you come up

with one creamy finger. You're like, "No!"

- [laughter]

- "No!"

But it was expensive,

so you're like, "No!"

[laughter]

[cheering]

So now you look amazing.

Keep looking, keep looking.

Bits of paper. A sock. Keep looking.

Tampon out of its wrapper.

Maybe I keep it.

No, I'll get sick. Digging around.

If it's out of the wrapper, don't keep it.

Sometimes it's like, "I'll just..."

Don't blow on it and...

You're gonna get dysentery,

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