Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #3

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up close looks like? Conjunctivitis.

- Like, real up close.

- [laughter]

"I'll do a little." Five minutes later,

"Maybe just highlight the orbital rim.

That way when we're dancing,

the light will hit it and it'll be like,

'Bing, anime! Ah!'

Keep going. Keep going."

Five more minutes later,

"Maybe I'll bring a little bit down here

and highlight the jawbone so he knows I,

what, come from good chewing stock?"

[laughter]

Five more minutes later, sparkle fish!

So now...

[laughter]

I look like a goddamn road flare

and we're in public. So...

[laughter]

We walk into this bar and one of

the difficult parts about being a woman,

besides everything, is that...

It's really hard.

Is that you're constantly battling

with yourself.

In the long run, we're battling

our weight, hair color, wrinkles.

Minute to minute, it's just

an adjustment of your hair and your bra

and your underwear and your makeup

and your mustache,

braid it, bead it, set it.

- You're always doing something.

- [laughter]

Because if one thing is off,

then the night is ruined, Scott, okay?

One time,

I left my house without mascara on.

I did a U-turn on a four-lane highway.

Like, "No!"

[laughter]

"They will see the whites of my eyes!"

[laughter]

Everything has to be perfect.

And guys, it's exhausting.

It's exhausting being a girl.

Did you know, fun scientific fact

that I made up on the way here,

that women get four minutes

out of every night,

four minutes out of every night

where our brain sends a message

to our body saying,

"Everything's okay, stop messing with it"?

Four minutes out of every night

where your brain sends a message

to your body like,

"Homeostasis achieved." You're like...

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

And the rest of the time,

it's just mayhem!

Everything has to be perfect. So,

we walk into this bar, my first thought...

"I gotta fix my lip liner. Now!"

[laughter]

I'm not even a big lip liner wearer,

but in that moment, 'twas everything.

In that moment,

I believed fixing my lip liner

is what stood between me

and eternal happiness, okay?

I had to take a liner, I had to find

my liner and line my chola lips, okay?

- That's what I had to do.

- [applause]

So glad that got a response.

In North Carolina, nothing. Okay.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

Had to fix my lip liner,

had to be right then.

To the gentlemen in the room,

I don't expect you

to understand the urgency

with which I had to fix my lip liner.

The only thing I could liken it to

in male culture is, like...

when you feel

you have to adjust your balls.

[laughter]

Similar immediacy.

As we've seen, unfortunately.

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