Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills

Synopsis: Iliza Shlesinger performs in this standup talking about dating, feminism and some of the intricacies associated with being a woman in the 21st century.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Bobcat Goldthwait
 
IMDB:
6.2
TV-MA
Year:
2016
77 min
249 Views


[gun c*cks and fires]

[cheering and applause]

[announcer] Chicago, are you ready?

[cheering and applause]

Party goblins, are you ready?

[cheering and applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage,

Iliza!

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]

- Chicago!

- [cheering]

- Thank you!

- [cheering]

Thank you for having me.

I'd like to discuss something with you.

There are two kinds of hungover.

[laughter]

There's the kind of hungover

where you wake up the next morning

and you're like,

"What? I touched his penis over his jeans?

- It's okay, I'm sassy." And then...

- [laughter]

there's the kind of hungover

where whatever happened the night before

wasn't even your fault.

[laughter]

Because you weren't mentally present

for any of it.

[laughter]

[in croaky voice] For 'twas not you

that was is charge.

[laughter]

'Twas your party goblin!

[cheering and applause]

Yeah.

Just so you know, your party goblin

sleeps in the back of your brain.

For those of you

that are unfamiliar with my work,

she sleeps in the back of your brain

and she waits... [snorts]

on a pile of rags... [snorts]

and regrets... [snorts]

and old Tiger Beat magazines. She waits!

- [laughter]

- For the perfect opportunity.

[laughter]

She's back there in your brain,

sleeping her goblin sleep, just...

- [snorts and sighs]

- [laughter]

- [snorts and sighs]

- [laughter]

[snorts] Channing Tatum, stick of butter.

[snorts]

[laughter]

[applause]

- And she will awaken...

- [laughter]

when she hears you say...

"I guess I'll just come out

for one drink."

[snarls]

[laughter and applause]

[cheering]

"I'll just come out for one

because I have to be up early."

[screams]

Eat that sandwich out of the garbage

and text your ex-boyfriend

that you love him

then turn your phone off!

[cheering]

[cheering and applause]

And by the way, there is zero culpability

on the part of your party goblin.

She's not there the next morning

like, "Oh, my God, are you okay?

Do you need Pedialyte?"

No!

She doesn't give a f***.

She straight up ghosts at, like, 3:00 a.m.

when you're sh*t-faced

in the back of an Uber, right?

You scooped yourself

into the back of this car.

Your crowing achievement of the evening

is that you didn't die.

[laughter]

And we've all had that moment.

Anybody that's been out drinking,

you've been out, it's been loud,

there's been yelling, dancing, you stole

an ambulance, it's been a crazy night.

We've all had that moment

of solitary drunken serenity

where you get in the back of the car

and you shut the door

and for the first time all night

it's quiet.

[laughter]

And you think, "Oh, my God, I made it."

[laughter]

Followed by, "I'm gonna throw up."

And the car is going,

you're like, "Oh, f***!"

You're trying to hold it in, right?

You roll the window down.

You're like, "Agh! It's too much air!"

You roll the window back up.

You're like, "Too much me!"

You crack the window. You're like, "No!"

The vomit's coming up. It's right here,

like A1 Steak Sauce, it gets you here.

You're like, "Uhh!" You're trying to focus

on anything to distract you.

You're listening to the radio.

For the first time ever,

you're paying attention

to the words of a Pitbull song.

- You're like...

- [laughter]

# Uno, dos, tres... #

We get it! We get it!

[laughter]

You look at party goblin, she's loving it.

She's got her head out her window like...

[screams]

[laughter]

And you know

it's your party goblin that got you

by the manner in which

you wake up the next morning.

If you wake up. If you wake up, Chicago.

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Iliza Shlesinger

Iliza Vie Shlesinger (; born February 22, 1983) is an American comedian. She was the 2008 winner of NBC's Last Comic Standing and went on to host the syndicated dating show Excused and the TBS comedy/game show Separation Anxiety. She hosts a late-night talk show called Truth & Iliza on Freeform. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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