Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #5

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you'll never finish the Oregon Trail.

[laughter and cheering]

Seven or eight seconds go by,

I cannot find my lip liner.

Seven or eight seconds go by,

which in girl years is, like, forever,

I cannot find my lip liner.

So, what's a logical thing to do?

Maybe use the other hand

to add to the search, right?

To aid in the excavation.

Maybe get a cellular device

to illuminate the situation.

Not me!

I dropped to my knees on a dance floor,

dumped out the bag

and start sifting through it

like Helen Keller

learning how to spell water.

[laughter and applause]

Fun fact. Girls,

if you wanna let people around you know

that you're absolutely not

on the same mental playing field as them,

a great way to do it, I found,

is to dump our personal property

onto a shared communal space, because that

immediately lets other bar-goers know,

"I don't give a f***!"

[laughter]

"Where is it?"

This body language, this body language,

- this feral-raccoon-like body language...

- [laughter]

was enough to alert the door guy.

[laughter]

You're a door guy at a busy nightclub,

you've got a lot to deal with.

However, he found

my witch over a cauldron behavior...

threatening enough to leave his post,

flashlight in hand,

and walk up to me.

He was a big guy. He was, like, six-eight,

black guy, good-looking.

[laughter]

- I had to say he was good-looking.

- [laughter]

Because I said he was black.

[laughter]

Seems to be the face of thinly-veiled

political correctness in our country,

if you say someone's color,

other than white,

you must assign them an accolade,

deserved or otherwise,

to prove that you're not racist,

when in the first place,

I wasn't f***ing racist,

I was giving you an accurate depiction

of the events that transpired.

I didn't see his face!

Dude had a flashlight in my eye!

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

I can tell you this much. Black, white

or other, there's no way he was hot.

He's six-eight. They get weird-looking

after a certain height, okay?

Structurally, it gets weird. Okay.

I am not wrong. #IAmNotWrong

Okay, so...

[laughter]

It's true.

There's no hot giants.

[laughter]

So he Shreks up to me...

[laughter]

And I feel his presence and I see

the ball of light and I hear his voice

and he goes,

"Everything a'ight over here?"

F***ing no, dude, everything is most

definitely not a'ight. I'm on the floor.

[laughter]

I don't exist on this plane.

Fun fact about being on the floor.

As an adult, when you choose to take it

to this place, you lose all credibility.

Nobody wants to hear the prerogative

of someone on the floor.

If you have to crane your neck up

to explain yourself, you are f***ed, okay?

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