How to Get Ahead in Advertising Page #4

I beg your pardon?

I said, the bag may also

have contained a pork pie.

I hardly see a pork pie's

got anything to do with it.

All right, then,

what about a large turnip?

It may also have contained a big turnip.

- The bag was full of drugs.

- Nonsense.

The bag was full of drugs! It says so!

The bag could have been

full of anything.

Pork pies, turnips, oven parts.

- It's the oldest trick in the book.

- What book?

The distortion of truth

by association book.

The word is "may".

You all believe heroin was in the bag

because cannabis resin was in the bag.

The bag may have contained heroin,

but the chances are 100 to one

certain that it didn't.

Lot more likely than what you say.

About as likely

as the tits spread with peanut butter.

- Do you mind?

- The tits were spread with peanut butter!

- Nonsense.

- It says so!

Who's the man you are to think

you know more about it than the press?

I'm an expert on tits.

Tits and peanut butter.

I'm also an expert drug pusher.

- I've been pushing drugs for 20 years.

- Look here, I've had enough of this!

And I can tell you,

a pusher protects his pitch.

We wanna sell 'em cigarettes

and don't like competition, see?

So we associate

a relatively innocuous drug

with one that is extremely dangerous.

And the rags go along with it because

they adore the dough from the ads.

I've had enough of this.

I'm getting off at Thatchet.

Getting off at Thatchet won't help you.

Getting off anywhere won't.

I've had an octopus squatting

on my brain for a fortnight,

and I suddenly see that

I am the only one that can help you.

It would be pointless

to go into the reasons why,

but I've been worried sick

about boils for a fortnight.

Large boils, small boils, fast eruptors.

They're incurable, all of them.

I know that, and so does everybody else.

Until they get one.

Then the rules suddenly change.

With a boil on the nose,

there's a sudden overnight surge in faith.

They wanna believe something will work.

He knows that, which is why

he gets a good look in with the dying.

Sell some hope, you see?

But these boys would be full-time

into real estate

if anyone came up

with a genuine cure for death!

Good God, this is a madman!

What do you know about God,

you wire-haired Mick?

Here, have 'em. I've given up.

- What on earth are you doing?

- I'm reading a newspaper.

We're in the middle of a dinner party.

I'm sorry. I can't bear

that great, pompous herbivore in there.

I'm sick of hearing

about her soya proteins.

You might at least

make a bit of an effort.

At least sit at the table.

Bring the cream.

- Both breasts and the leg removed?

- When all's said and done,

it's perfectly obvious

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