How to Be Single Page #5

It just falls out

of me these days.

Can you hold...

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not good with babies.

Hello. How are you today?

Your mom should be

coming back soon.

Is, um, "Katie"

short for "Katherine"?

See, some women would look at

what you just did and

think that you smiled.

But, because I'm a doctor,

I know that that was probably

just an involuntary

tic, or gas.

You know what?

(WHISPERS)

You're not that cute,

and I am not falling for it.

So, you just keep trying,

but it is "no."

(LAUGHS)

(GURGLES) Shut up, baby.

And, you know what?

Don't touch that,

because that's

not very sanitary.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Germs are little bugs,

like little microbes

that get into your mouth,

and they make you sick.

(COOING)

So, you eat your shoe.

(KISSING)

(GASPS)

You are not winning me over.

No, you're not.

Why do you put

everything in your mouth?

Hello. Hi.

MEG:
And so we're clear,

there are a lot of people

in this world

who need things

like you in their lives,

to feel complete.

I am not one of them.

I am fine without you.

Fine. You win.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

If Tom texts you, which he won't,

because it's still daylight,

wait four hours to respond.

(SCOFFS) I was not even

thinking about Tom.

Anything sooner implies that

you're needy and

really co-dependent

and incapable of

a simple hookup,

which is all he's good for.

I think that I could

actually be, like, a good...

And, when you respond, do not

respond in full sentences.

Okay.

And if you use an emoji,

I will f***ing tit-punch you.

Fine.

Fine.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

(GASPS) No! No! Oh, no.

You can have this back

at the end of the day.

Fine.

An emoji?

(GASPS) Oh! Oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH PANTING)

This is so dumb. Okay.

It's not like I don't know

you're bad for me.

Sure.

And I'm not gonna be

one of those cliched girls

who thinks I can, like,

change you, or something.

No, you can't. No.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SIGHS) I'm telling you.

Sex? It's the best way

to find out what you want.

Think about it, the whole

love thing, the whole,

"I just want a guy

to notice when I'm cold."

It's nice when a guy notices

when you're cold.

It means he's...

It means he's faking it, because he

knows that's what you want to hear.

So, instead of being

a psycho who pretends

that I give a sh*t

if you're cold,

I tell everyone the same thing.

"If you're looking for

the one, that's not me.

"If you're looking for the one"

"to have a little fun with,

I'm that one."

Oh.

Yep. (SIGHS)

Whew!

I've always been

in relationships.

But, I guess that's just

because I actually

don't really know

how to stay single.

Then you came

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