How to Be Single Page #4

choose for you. All right?

Um... (GASPS) I know.

I would like to see your tongue

in that bartender's face.

ALICE:
What?

ROBIN:
Don't worry,

I know him.

He's like a palate cleanser.

He's sexual sorbet.

That guy?

Yeah. I've heard

he's really good in bed.

From myself, because

I might have slept with him.

I can't really remember.

Maybe, uh... It was winter.

Maybe I just used his dick

as a scarf. Let's go.

What?

Hey, Tom.

This is Alice.

She's newly single and needs to

hook up with a random stranger.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Let me buy you a drink.

Here you go.

Thanks. Uh, thanks.

Let me buy you a drink.

(LAUGHS)

Welcome to the party.

Umm, cheers.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Whoo!

Come on! Yeah! Ha!

Hi! Yeah!

Hey. Hi.

Whoa! Whoa!

She just hit you in the face!

Oh! Rumspringa!

(GROANS)

MEG:
Morning, sunshine.

No.

No, Meg! Ow! (GROANS)

Oh, my God.

Wakey-wakey.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

A doctor? (MEG SCREAMS)

Did I have sex with

a doctor? Did we have sex?

No. No?

No, we didn't have sex.

I didn't sleep with anybody?

No, I don't think so.

Why does it smell

like weed in here?

You have a little...

What? It's in your hair now.

It's just right...

What? It...

No, I just have long eyelashes.

It's a...

You have a joint clinging...

Oh.

Yay! Free coffee!

Uh, take two Tylenol, and

make yourself some breakfast.

ALICE:
I love you.

Love, love you.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(CHUCKLES) Your roommate

seems pretty cool.

Oh, she's my sister.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Uh, then I think I might have

pissed in your sister's litter box.

That's a Zen garden.

The cat has a Zen garden?

ALICE:
There's no cat.

(MAN GROANS)

Where am I?

I knew I had sex

in this apartment!

Oh, yeah. What's up?

Okay, where are we?

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

Um, Broadway and 77th. Um...

We have to be

at work in 30 minutes,

so we should

probably go this way.

It's okay, I can do this in 20.

Wait, do what? Let's go.

Wait, do what? Time me!

Step one.

That stuff is for babies.

Babies with hangovers.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNORTS)

Baba, are we good?

Payment accepted. Let's go.

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hi!

Yeah, hi. I'm really interested

in buying a lot of

your products, but first,

I need you to put

all of them on my face,

in a very nice way, for free.

I'm gonna need a full face,

with a side of "Wow."

Okay.

Mimosa, hold the orange juice.

Here. Come on. Gimme.

(HAIR DRYER HISSING)

Nailed it.

You're three-and-a-half

hours late.

MEG:
Yay! Lunchtime!

And don't worry

about the weight.

It should come off after

you stop nursing the infant.

"Katie." That's her name.

Oh, okay.

Oh, no. I have to pee.

(KATIE CRYING)

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