How to Be Single Page #6

to the right place.

The trick is to love them,

but get them to leave you.

That way, nobody gets hurt.

Check this out.

What do all these things

have in common? Go.

Um, ketchup and beer.

Pickles, chocolate sauce.

Are you pregnant?

No, they can't be used

to make breakfast.

There's no reason to

stick around in the morning,

because you can't

make an omelet.

Plus, no water.

So, hungover chicks,

you got to leave to survive.

Except for that New York

water is delicious

and you can just

drink it from the tap.

Yeah. But, uh...

From what glass?

Wow.

You're a piece of work.

Mmm-hmm.

Glass.

Okay, MacGyver, no woman's

gotten this far, but, um...

You had a plumber

cut your water?

No. I did it myself.

What if you need

to wash your hands?

What am I, a surgeon?

What if you get thirsty?

(TOM SIGHS)

Nice. Well done. Yeah, right?

Totally thought it was

a nightstand, didn't you?

You're a psycho.

I'm not a psycho.

Look, most guys are like me,

they're just

not honest about it.

I'm telling you, this is

what it's like out there.

Why are you telling me this?

(DOOR RATTLES)

I don't know.

It's just, you're different.

Oh, my God. That's the

thing you say to girls.

Yes, it is.

Works, though, right?

Completely.

Anyway, end of the tour.

And, um, this was fun.

(CLEARS THROAT) See you.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hi. (CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(JOSH GRUNTS)

Uh, mimosa?

Uh, no, I'm actually

on my way to a meeting.

So, I'm probably

not gonna start drinking

at 8:
30 on a Thursday.

Yeah, no, I didn't...

I don't want one, either.

Um, I got us

chocolate chip pancakes

for the table, like we used to.

(CHUCKLES) Um, cool. I don't

have a lot of time, so...

Okay, no, then

I'll just get right to it.

I'm done. I'm,

I'm finally done.

What? What are you done with?

With our time apart.

I know it's been

really difficult.

It's been difficult

on both of us.

But, I'm finally ready

for us to be together.

And I'll never have to

wonder about anything else.

I'm seeing someone.

(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)

That is... Congratulations.

ALICE:
Um...

So, then, so, Josh,

you want to just,

like, tell me when

you're done, then?

I don't know, Alice.

Like, we can... We'll just

wait till you're done.

Sh*t's different, I'm not...

I'm not sure I want

the same things anymore.

(CHUCKLES)

You mean, like, me?

I didn't need an experiment

to know that I loved you.

And I'm not an idiot.

You're, I guess, done with

whatever you've been doing,

with whoever you've been doing,

and you can come

running back to me?

No, thanks. I'll pass.

WAITER:
Who ordered pancakes?

ALICE:
Meg, I'm not ready

to be alone. I'm not.

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