George Carlin: You Are All Diseased Page #4

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Cause I got a good

strong immune system

and it gets a

lot of practice.

My immune system

is equipped

with the biologically

equivalent

of fully automatic

military assault rifles

with night vision

and laser scopes

and we have

recently acquired

phosphorus grenades,

cluster bombs

and anti-personnel

fragmentation mines.

So when my white blood

cells are on patrol

Keeping order in

my bloodstream

seeking out strangers

and other undesirables,

if they see any,

any suspicious looking

germs of any kind

they don't f*** around.

They whip out the weapons,

they wax the motherf***er

and deposit the

unlucky fellow

directly into my colon.

Into my colon,

there's no nonsense.

There's no

Miranda warning.

There's none of that

three strikes and

your out sh*t.

First offense bam

into the colon you go.

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah.

All right.

Oh, and speaking

of my colon

I want you to know

I don't automatically

wash my hands

every time I go to

the bathroom okay?

Can you deal with that?

Sometimes I do,

sometimes I don't.

You know when

I was my hands?

When I sh*t on them.

That's the only time.

That's the only...

and you know how

often that happens?

Tops... tops two, three

times a week, tops.

Tops.

Maybe a little

more frequently

over the holidays,

you know what I mean?

And I'll tell you

something else

my well-scrubbed

friends.

You don't always need

a shower everyday.

Did you know that?

It's overkill.

Unless you work out

or work outdoors

or for some reason come

in intimate contact

with huge

amounts of filth

and garbage everyday

you don't always

need a shower.

All you really need to do

is to wash the

four key areas,

armpits, a**hole,

crotch and teeth.

Got that?

Armpits, a**hole,

crotch and teeth.

In fact you can

save yourself

a whole lot of time

if you simply use

the same brush

on all four areas.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I appreciate

it. Thank you.

All right.

Listen I got a

few more items

of things that are

pissing me off

and this one comes in

the form of a question.

Haven't we had

about enough

of this cigar smoking

sh*t in this country?

Huh?

Huh?

When is this going to end?

When is this sh*t

going to go away?

When are these fat,

arrogant, overpaid,

overfed, over privileged,

over indulged,

white collar,

business criminal,

a**hole, cocksuckers

going to put

out their cigars

and move along to their

next abomination?

White p*ssy businessmen

sucking on a

big brown dick.

That's all it is.

That's all it is.

Yeah.

A big brown dick.

Sigmund Freud said,

"Sometimes a cigar

is just a cigar."

Oh yeah, well sometimes

it's a big brown dick...

with a fat, arrogant,

white-collar

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