George Carlin: You Are All Diseased

Synopsis: Legendary comic Carlin comes back to the Beacon theater to angrily rant about airport security, germs, cigars, angels, children and parents, men, names, religion, god, advertising, Bill Jeff and minorities.
Director(s): Rocco Urbisci
  Nominated for 2 Primetime Emmys. Another 1 nomination.
65 min

That's nice.

Thank you.

Thanks very much,

I appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

Thank you all.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So let me ask

you something.

Let me ask you how's

everybody doing tonight



Well f*** you.

Just trying to make

you feel at home.

Now listen, I've been

out here all this time

and I haven't

been complaining

about anything yet

so I think it's time

to go into the

complaint department.

This is just a

series of things

that are pissing

me off okay?

A series of things that

are pissing me off

cause I don't

have pet peeves

I have major psychotic

f***ing hatreds okay?

And it makes the world a

lot easier to sort out.

First thing on

my list tonight,

airport security.

Tired of this sh*t.

There's too much of it.

There's too much

security at the airport.

I'm tired of some guy

with a double digit IQ

and a triple digit income

rooting around inside

of my bag for no reason

and never

finding anything.

Haven't found

anything yet.

Haven't found one

bomb in one bag

and don't tell me,

Well the

terrorist know

there bags are

going to be searched

so now they're leaving

their bombs at home.

There are no bombs.

The whole thing is

f***ing pointless

and it's completely

without logic.

There's no logic at all.

They'll take away gun

but let you keep a knife.

Well what the

f*** is that?

In fact there's a whole

list of lethal objects

they will allow you

to take on board.

Theoretically you

could take a knife,

an ice pick,

a hatchet,

a straight razor,

a pair of scissors,

a chainsaw, six

knitting needles

and a broken

whiskey bottle

and the only thing they're

going to say to you

is that bag has to fit

all the way under the

seat in front of you.

And if you didn't take

a weapon on board relax,

after you been flying

for about an hour

they're going to bring

you a knife and fork.

They actually give

you a f***ing knife.

It's only a table knife

but you could kill a

pilot with a table knife.

Might take you a couple

of minutes you know,

especially if

he's hefty huh?

Yeah but you could

get the job done

if you really wanted

to kill the prick.

Sh*t there's a lot of

things you could use

to kill a guy with.

You could probably beat

a guy to death with the

Sunday New York

Times couldn't you?

Or suppose you just

had really big hands

couldn't you strangle

a flight attendant?

Sh*t you could probably

strangle two of them,

one with each hand.

You know if you are lucky

enough to catch them

in that little

kitchen area

before they give out the

f***ing peanuts you know?

But you could

get the job done

if you really

cared enough.

So why is it

they allow a man

with big powerful hands

to get on board

an airplane?

I'll tell you why.

They know he's not

a security risk

because he's

already answered

the three big


Question number one:

Did you pack your

bags yourself?

No Carrot Top

packed my bags.

He and Martha Stewart

and Florence Henderson

came over to the

house last night,

fixed me a lovely

lobster Newburgh,

gave me a full

body massage

with sacred oils

from India,

performed a four

way around the world

and then they

packed my bags.

Next question:

Have your bags

been in your possession

the whole time?


Usually the night

before I travel,

just as the

moon is rising,

I place my suitcases

out on the street corner

and leave them there

unattended for

several hours.

Just for good luck.

Next question:

Has any

unknown person

asked you to take

anything on board?


but what exactly is

an unknown person?

Surely everyone is

known to someone.

In fact, just

this morning

Kareem and Ucef


seemed to know each

other quite well.

They kept joking about

which one of my suitcases

was the heaviest.

And that's another thing they

don't like at the airport,

jokes you know?

Yeah you can't

joke about a bomb.

Well why is it just jokes?

What about a riddle?

How about a limerick?

How about a

bomb anecdote?

You know no punch line

just a really cute story.

Or suppose you

intended the remark

not as a joke but

as an ironic musing.

Are they prepared to

make that distinction?

Why I think not.

And besides who's

to say what's funny.

Airport security

is a stupid idea,

it's a waste of money

and it's only there

for one reason,

to make white

people feel safe.

That's all, the illusion,

the feeling and

illusion of safety

cause the

authorities know

they can't make an

airplane completely safe.

Too many people

have access.

You'll notice the

drug smugglers

don't seem to have

a lot of trouble

getting there little

packages on board do they?

No and God bless them too.

Oh and by the way

an airplane flight shouldn't

be completely safe.

You need a little

danger in your life.

Take a f***ing chance

once in a while will you?

What are you going to do

play with your prick for

another thirty years?

What are you going to

read People Magazine

and eat at Wendy's

till the end of time?

Take a f***ing chance.

Besides even if

they made

all of the airplanes

completely safe

the terrorist

would simply

start bombing other

places that are crowded.

Porn shops,

crack houses,

titty bars

and gangbangs you know?

Entertainment venues.

The odds of you being

killed by a terrorist

are practically zero.

So I say relax and

Rate this script:3.3 / 4 votes

George Carlin

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic. Carlin was noted for his black comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. He and his "seven dirty words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5–4 decision affirmed the government's power to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves. He is widely regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics; one newspaper called Carlin "the dean of counterculture comedians". In April 2004, he placed second on the Comedy Central list of "Top 10 Comedians of US Audiences".The first of Carlin's 14 stand-up comedy specials for HBO was filmed in 1977. From the late 1980s, Carlin's routines focused on sociocultural criticism of American society. He often commented on contemporary political issues in the United States and satirized the excesses of American culture. He was a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the three-decade Johnny Carson era, and hosted the first episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975. His final HBO special, It's Bad for Ya, was filmed less than four months before his death. In 2008, he was posthumously awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. In 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked him second (behind Richard Pryor) on its list of the 50 best stand-up comics of all time. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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