Father of the Year Page #3

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He still gets into fights to this day.

We just watched your dad

fall out of the back of a truck naked.

It looked like a premature baby bird

shooting out of the birth canal.

Let me put it this way.

My dad looks like a human Muppet

and I'm 100% sure

he could kick your dad's ass.

Come on.

Your dad gets startled by pop-up books.

Well, your dad

looks like a big fifth grader.

When he goes to the mall,

how many people ask if he's lost?

Your dad listens to Susan Boyle.

She's actually very talented.

All right!

Here we are hanging with the boys!

Huh? Oh, God! The boys

are back in town, huh?

Up high! Here it is.

Kind of feels like high school again,

huh, guys, right?

Mardy, please turn on the humidifier.

You bet I can.

All right, Aiden, coming around to it.

We're gonna be breathing easy. Right?

Let's fire this baby up.

Yo, you better be nice

to your stepbrother,

because your dad

is leaving him everything.

Not if I drown him in his eggs.

Okay. Sorry, just gonna

swap out the water here, guys.

I think we got a bit of an issue...

Aiden?

Did you urinate in my humidifier?

I don't think so,

but I might have by mistake.

-Come on, man!

-That's disgusting, dude.

You gotta quit it with the pranks, bud.

Okay? You've got to quit it.

I can't even relax in my own home

'cause I'm always looking for something.

Would you like it

if I urinated in your water pistol, hmm?

And then squirted you in the face with it?

Mardy, he's eight!

He was trying to be funny!

[chuckles nervously] I know. So was I.

That's all, you know.

Aiden, you know your stepdaddy

was just trying to make a funny, too.

Whatever.

Dude, your dad just backed down

to an eight-year-old.

-You really think he'd kick Wayne's ass?

-Yes.

Dad, if you got into a fight

with Ben's dad,

you would totally mop the floor with him.

Why would I wanna fight Ben's dad?

I would never wanna do that.

I think you'd lose.

Yeah, all right, let's, you know...

You need two hands to open a fridge.

[chuckling]

Well, that's not... I mean,

it's a very strong suction

on a fridge, bud. Okay?

And so, that's how the door stays sealed

and the food stays cold.

I know what a fridge does.

Aiden, go brush your teeth,

and Mommy will be up in a minute.

I'm sleeping with Mom tonight.

Yeah, you should.

No, she's your mom.

[stutters] I'll take the pullout couch.

Good night, peanut.

Dad, tell them

about how you took out that flasher.

Oh, Larry, that was a long time ago.

What's this story? I want to hear.

All right, fine. Um...

I don't know when that was.

I think that was...

I don't know, maybe, that was when

you were in middle school, Larr, right?

You were in middle school,

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