Father of the Year

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1

[dog barking]

Dude, we should've just gone

straight to New York.

Come on, man. He's your dad, all right?

You can handle this.

[Larry] Oh.

There's the man himself.

Does he live down there?

I mean, it's technically his basement. So,

like, he spends a little time down there.

[Larry] He's taking out your little

baby mattress. That's sweet.

No way does he think I'm gonna sleep on

that thing. It looks like it has eczema.

[Larry] There's two sides.

You could just flip it over.

[Ben chuckles]

Great, dude. Now he's texting me. [scoffs]

It's gonna be okay,

I'm gonna go in there with you,

all right? Come on.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Ben. I was just texting you.

-Look at this kid. My college graduate.

-Aw, yeah.

Get in here! I'm so proud of you, man.

[laughs]

-Hey, uh, did you get those Q-tips?

-No, we were already here.

Ah.

-Sort of a 911 situation with my ears.

-Well...

Hey, what about the, uh, six-pack?

Any news?

We were already here, Dad. So...

-Ah, you fucked me. I'm kiddin' ya.

-Yeah.

-Who is this asshole?

-Hey!

Lawrence, I know you.

Got any Q-tips on you?

Nope, I don't.

Nothing in the car?

I don't carry Q-tips.

We'll figure it out.

Here we are. So, valetutorian?

[stutters] Wait, what is that again?

Valedictorian. It means that Ben

was the smartest kid in our whole school.

Of Western New Hampshire College.

It's like being a turd in a urinal.

Don't always downplay it, okay?

You're smarter

than those Ivy League pricks,

and you came from nothing,

just complete shit.

Hey, now why didn't I get

invited to the graduation?

Oh, no parents were invited, Dad.

Did your mother go?

No.

She fuckin' went!

-What the f*ck, Ben?

-No...

I didn't invite her, all right? She just

had a layover from her flight to Antigua

with the Cirque du Soleil guy,

and they just showed up.

Mr. O'Malley, I love that you still have

the patio furniture on the inside.

Yeah, Larry, that's a good eye.

It's indoor-outdoor.

I appreciate the flexibility

it affords me.

Speaking of that, uh,

how's the work search going?

Oh, that. That's actually not going well.

It's 'cause of my disability.

Being colorblind is not a disability.

I told a black joke to a black guy.

It's a disability.

It could certainly lead to a disability.

You know, Lawrence, I was thinking,

if everyone was colorblind,

maybe we'd all get along better.

Wow, that was actually...

That makes a lot of sense.

It does? I don't even know what I said.

I think that was an accident.

What did you say?

I... You... It was what you said.

-I got a surprise for you. Follow me.

-Okay.

[laughing]

Whoo!

Oh, this is nice! [laughs]

Get in here, you pussies.

I didn't bring a bathing suit, so...

Problem solved.

What are you doing?

-Dad, leave 'em on.

-Oh, no.

This is a good one.

Ugh!

It's got the netting inside.

Hugs your nuts. It's nice.

Cool.

What about you?

Yeah, I don't want your beanbag

floating into me, so I'm good.

Dude, your whole body came flying

out of my dick at one point.

Now you're scared of it?

That's hysterical.

It ain't gonna suck you back in. Relax.

Larry, make yourself useful.

Get my little Jacuzzi jets over there.

Let's get the party going.

So, what's the valeclitorian

doing tonight? You're going drinking?

We're going to the Roadhouse.

F*ck the Roadhouse! Go to the Wombat!

Dad, the Wombat's been closed

for ten years.

You think I give a f*ck?

You don't know me very well.

Well, this seems really dangerous.

So have fun celebrating, boys.

You worked your asses off. You deserve it.

We'll just meet back here tonight.

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