Dirty Grandpa Page #5

Grandma's funeral

was yesterday!

Now you wanna

hit on college girls?

You're jerking off to porn?

- What's wrong with you?

- Jason, I want to f***!

My God...

For the first time

in 40 years

I'm single and

I want to f***.

I want to f***

until my dick falls off.

I want to f*** a horse

and I wanna drink its blood!

I'm gonna throw up.

I was faithful

to your grandmother

every day for 40 years,

even through the menopause,

even through the cancer.

She was the love of my life.

I'll miss her

every goddamn day.

But she told me

on her deathbed,

"You get back

out there again."

I haven't had sex

in 15 years, Jason,

and I want to f***,

f***, f***, f***, f***!

So that's what

this is all about?

This whole thing. You

didn't want to be with me.

You wanted me

to drive you down to Boca

so I could be your

f***ing wingman?

Well, obviously

I made a bad decision

because you're nothing but

a cock-blocking machine.

I don't know what you are.

You're like the Israeli

Iron Dome defense system,

but with vaginas

instead of missiles.

- What?

- You're like some sort of

Cock-blocking Terminator

sent back from the future

to cock-block humans.

The robots

should have sent you

instead of

Arnold Schwarzenegger,

you could have cock-blocked

John Connor's parents

and he would never

have been born!

Shut up, Grandpa!

- Shut up!

- What got into you?

I remember you

in high school,

you were ripping

people's d*cks off

on the football field,

talking about

traveling the world!

Now you're pushing some

papers at a f***ing law firm

and probably

peeing sitting down.

Grandpa, I don't know

what you thought

this weekend

was going to be about,

but I came here

for one reason,

to get you to Boca.

That's it.

Fine.

Now can I please

play some golf?

- F***ing golf.

- Okay.

Cocky McBlockerson.

What the f***?

Bam!

Who does your taxes?

H&R Cock-block?

Stop it.

Bam!

Are you still Jenny

from the cock-block?

What the f***! What is your

obsession with my ass?

Your vibrator's on.

You can't get

into it anyway

because you don't

know my code.

Looks like your grandpa

remembered your birthday!

What? Give me that!

We're going

to f***ing Daytona.

We're not

going to Daytona,

because I've got

the keys to the golf cart.

What are you doing?

Hey.

How'd you do that?

Coming or staying,

Jack Dicklaus?

- Grandpa?

- Hurry up, Bubba Twatson.

Grandpa, stop.

Gary Player-with-my-balls.

Stop the cart!

Fred Couples-of-big-d*cks-

in-your-ass.

My God.

Grandpa! Stop!

Michelle

Wies-all-over-my-face.

Now, this is what

I'm f***ing talking about.

This is so f***ed up.

Calm down,

you'll get to hang out

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