Dirty Grandpa

So I said,

"If opposing counsel's

"invoking fiduciary

liability precedent

"under the terms of

Landgraf v. Henson,

"Your Honor, please,

by all means, go ahead,

"rescind the plaintiff's

de facto petition

"for injunctive relief."

- It was fun. It was fun.

- Yeah.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I'll be right back.

So funny.

"Injunctive relief."

That tickled my funny bone.

What's up, Nick?

Fucking sucks dick

about Grandma?

Yeah.

Old woman fucking

murdered like that.

Nick, she had cancer.

We'll never

know the truth.

- We absolutely know the truth.

- Yeah.

Grandma had cancer

for 10 years.

You don't just die

from cancer, Jason!

Calm down...

I'll see you at the

crossroads, Grandma.

What are you doing? Are you kidding me?

Right now?

Hey, get your

shit together!

My dad and my fiancee

are literally standing

right next to us.

- Beyonce's here?

- No.

What is that?

- What are you doing?

- I'm just...

Are you fucking

high right now?

No, this isn't...

- You're high as a kite!

- It's an e-cigarette.

It's filled

with a little weed,

but it's an e-cigarette.

Grow up, man!

What are you doing?

"Grow up"?

How adult are you?

What, do you listen

to NPR in your Volvo?

You play racquetball

competitively

against business

associates?

No. No.

You ever go away

to a rented house

with other couples

and then play Scattergories

over a bottle of white wine?

Jason.

I just blew a shot at

your grandma's memory.

Poor Grandpa...

Our first reading

is from Deuteronomy 30:19.

"This day I call

the heavens and the earth

"as a witness against you..."

"...that I have set before you

life and death..."

Hey, babe, I found the tie

you're going to wear

to the rehearsal

brunch Sunday.

Do you like the coral

color or the salmon?

"...that the race

is not to the swift..."

Either one.

"...nor the battle

to the strong."

Babe, what's wrong?

Coral or salmon?

Well, what do you like?

I mean...

I like the coral.

That's what

I was going to say, too.

- Okay, cool. Okay.

- Okay.

Coral it is!

It's going to be

a special day.

"...now choose life,

"so that you

and your children shall live."

Anyway, I'm down

in Valdosta right now.

I opened up

a fucking pet shop...

Not pet shop,

"puppy mill."

Puppy mill...

You know, designer dogs

get a bad name,

but they can go

for quite a pretty penny.

Really?

It's just hard

to get them to mate.

Because the little dogs,

they don't wanna

f*ck the big dogs,

and the big dogs, they don't

wanna f*ck the little dogs...

So I gotta manually

do it, you know.

I gotta spread

and manually shoot in.

So, what's up with you?

Well, I'm keeping

pretty busy...

Cool.

Hey, Diane,

- how's it going?

- Hi, Nick.

Hey, Nick.

I just don't understand

why you have

to drive down to Florida

tomorrow already, Dad!

We just had the funeral.

Your grandmother

and I were there

at this time

every year.

It's what

she would have wanted.

I'd drive down myself,

except they took

my license away.

But why does Jason have

to be the one to drive you?

He's so busy at work...

Got the wedding

coming up next weekend,

the rehearsal brunch.

You know, the entire law

firm is coming to this.

- It's true, Grandpa.

- Jason...

We have a lot of stuff,

Meredith and I...

I'll handle it.

Go ahead.

How about Cousin Nick?

Dad?

Why doesn't Nick do it?

We got this chocolate Lab

down at the store

that is just so horny,

every time I touch

the back of its ear,

it just gushes cum.

- Okay.

- I mean, like a squirting...

Is that your dog?

Nick isn't

legally allowed

to leave the state

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