Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Page #4

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I WOULD NEVER QUIT,

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WHAT ABOUT IN FOUR YEARS?

HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH

TO BE A STARTER,

BUT HE COULD BE A BACKUP

IN THE NFL.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS?

ABOUT $4 TO $5 MILLION.

"UH, YEP,

I'M GONNA DO THAT."

HOW ABOUT TEN YEARS?

NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A BACKUP.

BUT HE COULD BE:

ON THE PRACTICE SQUAD.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS?

ABOUT $850,000.

"UH, YEP, I'M GONNA DO THA AS WELL.

I'LL PLAY FOREVER."

IT'D MAKE THE GAME

MORE ENJOYABLE:

IF PEOPLE WEREN'T ALLOWED

TO RETIRE.

ATHLETES:

DON'T WANNA QUIT EITHER.

SEE SOME 70-YEAR-OLD

RETURN A PUNT,

LIKE, "OH..."

HE GETS HIT, HE EXPLODES,

HE DIES ON THE FIELD

WITH SOME HONOR.

YEAH.

AND SPORTS NEEDS STEROIDS.

IT DOES.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OH, BASEBALL, CERTAINLY.

BASEBALL'S A STRIKE AWAY

FROM BEING SOCCER.

YEAH.

AND IF YOU LIKE SOCCER,

WELL, WELCOME TO AMERICA.

SEE, OUR COUNTRY

ALREADY HAS ENTERTAINMENT,

SO WATCHING PEOPLE

CHASE A BALL FOR FOUR HOURS

TO END ZERO-ZERO

IS NOT ENJOYABLE

UNLESS, OF COURSE,

THE BLEACHERS COLLAPSE

AND HALF OF EUROPE DIES.

[cheers and applause]

BASEBALL.

NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH

A PITCHING BATTLE EITHER.

LET'S HIT THE BALL DEEP.

DON'T WORRY

ABOUT YOUR RECORDS EITHER.

FOR EVERY SUPERSTAR

THAT HAS DONE STEROIDS,

A BILLION DOUBLE "A" BOYS

HAVE JUICED UP,

SO THE PLAYING FIELD

IS PLENTY EVEN.

WE'LL PUT AN ASTERISK

NEXT TO BARRY BONDS' NAME,

SURE,

AS SOON AS WE PUT ONE

NEXT TO BABE RUTH'S NAME.

GETTING TO BREAK RECORDS

BEFORE BLACK PEOPLE

WERE ALLOWED TO PLAY?

EXCUSE ME?

WHERE IS THAT ASTERISK?

WHY DON'T PEOPLE TALK

ABOUT THAT?

[cheers and applause]

OH.

I'D LOVE TO KNOW

HOW MANY HOMERS:

THE BABE WOULD HAVE HI HAD C.C. BEEN THROWING HIM

92-MILE-AN-HOUR SLIDERS.

YEAH.

MAYBE THE FAT BOY

WOULD HAVE PUT THE CIGAR DOWN

AND QUIT POINTING

HAD JOSE BEEN ALLOWED TO SWIM

90 MILES TO THROW HIM

A JUNK BALL.

DON'T WORRY

IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW.

90 MILES IS THE DISTANCE

FROM KEY WEST TO CUBA,

JOSE'S A STEREOTYPICAL NAME

FOR A LATINO BALL PLAYER,

AND A JUNK BALL'S

AN IMPOSSIBLE PITCH

TO HIT YARD ANYPLACE EXCEP FOR THE NEW YANKEE STADIUM,

WHICH IS A JOKE.

THE POINT...

IS THE RECORD BOOKS

MIGHT LOOK A LITTLE DIFFEREN HAD OUR COUNTRY

NOT BEEN FOUNDED BY RACISTS.

THAT'S ALL.

AND I LOVE THAT IN 2010,

YOU'RE STILL NOT ALLOWED TO

[bleep] ON THE FOUNDING FATHERS.

WHY NOT?

SCREW THEM.

THEY WERE A BUNCH

OF RACIST [bleep] PIGS

WITH A HANDFUL OF GOOD IDEAS.

I JUST HOPE WHEN THEY WERE

SIGNING:

THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE,

THEY SHOT EACH OTHER

A GLANCE.

"ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.

"YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.

[laughs sarcastically]

NOW GET ME:

SOME HOT COFFEE, BOY."

[laughter]

OH...

AT LEAST WE'RE NOT WOMEN,

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