Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Page #3

---

[cheers and applause]

SO I WANNA HIRE:

THE SAME LITTLE GIRL

TO DO COMMERCIALS FOR ME

IN THE STATE OF UTAH,

AND I WANT HER TO COME

RUNNING HOME AND BE LIKE,

"MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY,

HOW COME YOU'RE

NINE YEARS OLDER THAN ME?"

YEAH.

BECAUSE WE LEARNED MATH,

AND THIS DOESN'T ADD UP.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY,

MOMMY--"

SHE'S CALLING OU TO ALL OF HER MOTHERS.

AND THEY START COMING

OUT OF THE CABINETS

IN THEIR LITTLE HOUSE ON

THE PRAIRIE OUTFITS

TRYING TO EXPLAIN

HOW OPEN-MINDED THEY REALLY ARE.

COMPARED TO WHO,

THE AMISH?

AM I THE ONLY PERSON

THAT BLAMES GLOBAL WARMING

ENTIRELY ON THE AMISH?

[laughter]

ARE THEY NO A CONSTANT REMINDER

OF HOW AWFUL LIFE WOULD BE

WITHOUT ALL THIS

GREAT TECHNOLOGY?

EVERY TIME I WANNA CUT BACK

AND CONSERVE:

ON NATURAL RESOURCES,

I JUST LOOK AT THE AMISH

AND I'M LIKE,

"HO, HO, [bleep] THAT.

FILL IT UP. FILL IT UP."

NO, NO.

I'M NOT GONNA RIDE AROUND

IN A BUGGY.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH I HAVE

A FOUR-CYLINDER.

BUT I WOULD LIKE

A FIRELESS FIREPLACE.

I DON'T KNOW

HOW YOU DID IT, AMISH.

APPARENTLY, YOU PARTNERED UP

WITH THE WICCANS

BECAUSE THAT IS MAGICAL.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY'S

IN THE TOILE WHEN THE AMISH CAN AFFORD

FULL-PAGE ADS IN EVERY PAPER.

APPARENTLY,

BUTTER IS RECESSION-PROOF.

DOES ANYONE IN HERE KNOW WHA I'M EVEN TALKING ABOU AT THIS POINT?

THE AMISH,

THEY MAKE THIS FIREPLACE

THAT DOESN'T PLUG IN.

THERE'S NO FIRE,

BUT IT'S PUMPING OUT HEAT.

I ASSUME THERE'S

A HAMSTER IN THERE

LOSING HIS MIND.

IT'S NO SNUGGIE,

BUT IT'S A GREAT PRODUCT.

YEAH, SOMEBODY BOUGHT ME

A SNUGGIE AS A JOKE GIFT.

HA, THE JOKE'S ON YOU.

I ENJOY IT.

[laughter]

YEAH. HUH.

I TOSS AND TURN AT NIGHT.

FINALLY, A BLANKE THAT'S LIKE, "NUH-UH,

I'M GONNA KEEP YOU WARM."

[laughter]

IT'S LIKE HAVING

A SMALL CHILD WITH POLIO

KEEP YOU IN A FULL NELSON.

THE PERFECT PRESSURE.

WHAT UPSET ME ABOUT THE GIF IS THAT'S ALL I RECEIVED,

WAS ONE SAGE GREEN SNUGGIE,

WHEN, IN FACT, I KNOW I COMES WITH TWO SNUGGIES

AND TWO BOOK LIGHTS.

THOSE ARE $20 VALUES.

WHERE THE HELL IS

THE REST OF MY GIFT?

YEAH.

YOU HAVE UNTIL CHRISTMAS,

OR I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE

AND RIPPING 3/4 OF

YOUR FATHEAD OFF YOUR WALL.

NOT BIG BEN.

YEAH.

BEN SHOULDN'T BE

IN THE BATHROOM WITH ANYONE.

[laughter and applause]

SPEAKING OF QUARTERBACKS,

UH, BRETT FAVRE--

I LOVE THAT EVERYBODY GAVE HIM

SO MUCH GRIEF TO RETIRE.

BRETT FAVRE SHOULD RETIRE.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

HE MAKES $12 MILLION A YEAR

TO PLAY A GAME.

"YEAH,

I'M GONNA KEEP PLAYING."

"HEY, BRETT, THE WHOLE WORLD

THINKS YOU SHOULD RETIRE."

"YOU SAID $12 MILLION,

RIGHT?

YEAH, THEY CAN GO

[bleep] THEMSELVES."

[laughter and applause]

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote