Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 2011
- 60 min
- 476 Views
[rock music]
[cheers and applause]
- THANK YOU...
SAN FRANCISCO.
ALL RIGHT,
[cheers and applause continue]
THANK YOU...
FOR CLAPPING:
ARE ASHAMED OF.
OH, SAN FRANCISCO.
YES.
[cheers and applause]
OH...
HUH?
THAT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT?
TOP TEN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
AW, MORE BUTT[bleep]
PER SQUARE FOO THAN IN ANY PLACE
IN THE WORLD.
THAT'S YOU GUYS.
THAT'S YOU.
[cheers and applause]
"SAN FRANCISCO:
"MORE BUTT[bleep]
PER SQUARE FOOT.
MISS YOU."
ALL RIGHT.
I APOLOGIZE.
IT'S HOW I KNOW
ALL RIGHT.
WITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION
IN THIS COUNTRY:
EXCEPT FOR THE FAC THAT THEY DON'T SERVE
ON JURY DUTY.
THAT'S HORSE [bleep].
IT SHOULD BE:
ON JURY DUTY.
YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
[crowd groaning]
[laughter and applause]
IT'S NOT A STEREOTYPE
IF IT'S ALWAYS TRUE.
"LATINOS ARE CRIMINALS."
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
SOMETIMES BEFORE
MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT SAY,
"HAVE A GOOD SHOW. BREAK A LEG."
RIGHT BEFORE I WALKED
ON STAGE.
SHE GOES, "HEY, YOU EVER WORRY
ABOUT GETTING SHO WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE?"
I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL
"YOU SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE."
TO READING YOUR VAMPIRE BOOKS.
[laughter and cheers]
AS IF A SNIPER:
WOULD GET FRUSTRATED.
LIKE...
"I CAN'T KEEP UP.
HE LIVES."
A LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE COMPLAIN
THAT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
I'VE NEVER HAD THAT COMPLAINT.
AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE
PRETENDING:
THAT I DON'T WAN TO KILL MYSELF.
YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
SHE'LL TAKE AN HOUR AND A HALF
TO GET READY,
"OH, MY GOODNESS.
AND I'LL BE LIKE, "FOR WHAT?
YOU LOOK DISGUSTING."
RIGHT? YEAH.
NOW SHE'S CRYING.
WHATEVER.
YEAH.
YEAH.
IT'S NOT LIKE
FROM BEING REPLACED.
I HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW.
YEAH.
HAS SHIFTED DRAMATICALLY.
ON TWITTER,
YOU KNOW:
PROPERLY?
SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SI ON THE TOILET IN REVERSE.
"WE'RE LISTENING."
IT'S NICE, RIGHT?
I'M GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE.
CLAPPING RIGHT NOW,
"HE IS A GENIUS.
"NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S THE SIMPLICITY.
"I'VE BEEN SITTING
"YOU'RE TELLING ME
YEAH?
"SET THE ALARM
TEN MINUTES LATER.
MULTITASK."
ALL RIGHT, NOBODY SHOULD EA WHILE ON THE TOILET.
"BUT I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT,
AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
WITH WHOLE MILK."
THAT'S MORE
SOMEBODY EMAILED ME,
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"HEY, DIP[bleep]--"
OH, LET'S SEE WHA THIS NICE FAN HAS TO SAY.
THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW YOU HAVE
COMPLETELY OFF TO SI ON THE TOILET BACKWARDS?"
[laughter]
TOUCHE.
ALL RIGHT,
SO I DON'T RESEARCH.
IT'S A PRE-SHOWER [bleep],
AGREED?
STICKLERS TO EVERY JOKE DETAIL?
YOU EVER HAVE:
A POST-SHOWER [bleep]?
THINGS ARE WRONG.
THAT'S NO THE ORDER OF EVENTS.
THERE'S A GLITCH
IN THE MATRIX.
THIS WORLD'S NOT REAL.
MOM!
WIPE ME!
[laughter and cheers]
I RECENTLY STARTED FLAT-IRONING
MY BALL HAIR.
COME ON, LADIES.
SEE MY BALLS,
IT'S LIKE,
"OH, MY GOODNESS.
"THAT LOOKS REALLY,
REALLY GOOD.
ISN'T THAT DAMAGING
TO THE HAIR?"
AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH,
I CAN'T KEEP UP.
MY BALLS STILL:
HAVE THE '06 POSH.
REMEMBER THAT LITTLE
TRENDY LITTLE CUT?
POSH SPICE?
OKAY?
TOGETHER MAKING LOVE?
OH.
IF THERE'S A MAN
IN HERE THAT'S JUNK
DOESN'T WIGGLE JUST A LITTLE BI AT THE THOUGH OF THOSE TWO MEN TOGETHER--
WITH YOUR HOMOPHOBIC
SEXUAL PREFERENCE.
AT THAT LEVEL, IT'S ART,
YOU MONKEY, OKAY?
YOU SHOULD BE HONORED THA YOU SHARE THE SAME RESTROOM
CAN YOU IMAGINE:
AHH:
WAS THAT SIMBA?
WHAT THE [bleep]?
WAS THAT SIMBA?
THAT'S THE BECKHAM-PITT KID?
THAT'S "PITTKHAM"?
PICTURE BABY JESUS
WITH BETTER ABS.
THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKING BABY.
IF THEY HAD:
A BABY ABERCROMBIE STORE,
THE FRONT DOOR, RIGHT?
JUST STANDIN' THERE SHIRTLESS,
PROPPED UP.
HE CAN'T STAND YET.
JUST LEANING AGAINST THE WALL.
BIG POSTER,
JUST STANDING:
AND YOU'D WALK IN,
AND YOU'D BE LIKE,
THAT BABY."
OH, MAN!
DO I WANT TO [bleep] THAT BABY!
TO [bleep] THAT BABY
FOR MORE WISHES.
THEN I WANT TO [bleep] THE BABY
A THIRD TIME.
ALL THREE WISHES
BANGING THAT BABY.
GO AHEAD, DUMB PEOPLE,
THAT DOESN'T HAVE
A PLAUSIBLE PREMISE.
YOUR EMAIL.
"I FELT YOU WEN OVER THE LINE A BI "WHEN YOU THEORETICALLY
WANTED TO FORNICATE
WITH A MYTHICAL CHILD."
[laughter and applause]
[cheers and applause]
- HEADS UP, MORMONS,
THIS JOKE'S GONNA STING.
[laughter]
NEXT TIME A GOLDEN PLATE FALLS
FROM THE HEAVENS,
GO AHEAD AND PUT I IN YOUR SPAM FILE.
LET'S NOT BASE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE
ON A RELIGION:
THAT'S OLD ENOUGH
"OH, YEAH.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
"UH, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
"I DON'T KNOW WHY
"UNDER THEIR CLOTHES.
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"Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 3 Oct. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/daniel_tosh:_happy_thoughts_6293>.
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