Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Page #5

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RIGHT, FELLAS?

OH, JEEZ.

WHAT IS THAT LIKE?

IS IT HORRIBLE?

IS IT AWFUL...

TO KNOW YOU'RE NUMBER TWO?

BY THE WAY,

THESE AREN'T MY BELIEFS.

IT'S MY OBSERVATIONS

ON THE WORLD I LIVE IN.

IF IT CHANGES,

I'LL ADJUS THE MATERIAL ACCORDINGLY.

COOL.

I LIKE IT WHEN YOU TRY

TO RATIONALIZE IT.

"NO, IT'S GREAT BEING A WOMAN.

FREE DRINKS IS WORTH

NOT HAVING EQUALITY."

[laughter]

LISTEN,

YOU'RE IN A GREAT COUNTRY

TO BE NUMBER TWO,

BECAUSE AT LEAST IN AMERICA,

IT'S CLOSE, RIGHT?

MEN ARE HERE.

WOMEN ARE HERE.

SOME COUNTRIES,

IT'S LIKE THIS

AND HOUSE CAT IS RIGHT THERE.

HO-HO.

THAT IS A BAD COUNTRY

TO BE A WOMAN IN.

DON'T GET LOS IN A HIKE THERE.

YOU'LL END UP ON YOUTUBE

WITHOUT A HEAD,

AND THERE'S NO

WEB REDEMPTION FOR THAT.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

- GAVE A COMMENCEMENT SPEECH

RECENTLY AT A HIGH SCHOOL,

AND THAT DIDN'T GO WELL

AT ALL.

A BUNCH OF HIGH-SCHOOL KIDS,

PARENTS:

THAT ARE PROUD OF THEM,

AND I'M BELITTLING

THE ENTIRE THING.

AND THE ADMINISTRATION

GOT REALLY UPSET WITH ME.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, UH,

WE DIDN'T KNOW

YOU WEREN'T GONNA

TAKE IT SERIOUSLY."

TO WHICH I REPLIED,

"REALLY?

"YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS WHERE

I WAS GONNA GET SERIOUS?

HIGH SCHOOL,

HOW DID YOU DO IT?"

[laughter]

NO.

I REFUSE TO GIVE

THAT GENERIC SPEECH.

"AS I LOOK OUT HERE,

I SEE FUTURE LAWYERS

AND DOCTORS."

I GAVE THE REAL SPEECH.

"THERE'S FELONS HERE.

[laughter]

SOME OF YOU WILL DIE

IN A D.U.I. ACCIDENT TONIGHT."

OH, I'M SORRY.

EXPLAIN TO ME:

WHY A DOSE OF REALITY

BEFORE COMMUNITY COLLEGE

IS A BAD THING,

BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DON'T NEED

TO PANDER TO THE 1%.

THEY DON'T NEED

MY LITTLE PEP RALLY.

THEY'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE.

NOBODY'S BEEN A PILE OF [bleep]

THEIR ENTIRE LIFE

AND THEN TURNED IT AROUND

BECAUSE OF:

THE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.

EXCUSE ME?

NO, NO, IT JUST CLICKED.

"SO YOU'RE SAYING

I CAN BE ANYTHING?

"OH, YEAH,

THAT SOUNDS WAY BETTER THAN

"WHAT I WAS GONNA DO.

I LIKE THIS GUY."

DON'T YOU LOVE I WHEN PEOPLE IN SCHOOL ARE LIKE,

"I'M A BAD TEST TAKER."

YOU MEAN, YOU'RE STUPID.

[laughter]

OH, YOU STRUGGLE

WITH THAT PAR WHERE WE FIND OU WHAT YOU KNOW?

OH.

NO, NO,

I CAN TOTALLY RELATE.

SEE, BECAUSE

I'M A BRILLIANT PAINTER

MINUS MY GOD-AWFUL

BRUSHSTROKES.

OH, HOW THE MASTERPIECE

IS CRYSTAL UP HERE,

BUT ONCE PAINT HITS CANVAS,

I DEVELOP PARKINSON'S.

[laughter]

I APOLOGIZE IF THERE'S

A PARKINSON'S PAINTER HERE

THIS EVENING.

I ASSUME YOUR BEST WORK

IS IN THE A.M.

PROBABLY GETS A BIT ABSTRAC BY NOON.

[laughter]

HANG IN THERE,

IT GETS WORSE.

[laughter and applause]

YOU EVER HEAR:

THIS EXPRESSION?

"THE WORST DAY OF FISHING

IS BETTER THAN:

THE BEST DAY AT WORK."

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