Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Page #4

but in a language

I didn't really understand.

[Laughs] Swiss, maybe.

And then he turned into

Perry Como... real square.

- What's wrong with you?

- Nothing.

PENNY:
You know,

just because we f***ed...

doesn't mean

there are strings now.

CHUCK:
[Laughs] OK.

PENNY:
I just wanted

to tell you about my dream.

Nothing more complicated

than that. Don't panic.

I'm just not used to

all this dating bullshit.

Now we're a couple.

Now I'm obliged to give

a sh*t what you say.

PENNY:
Don't worry.

I'm not into those games.

So anyway. The monkey

turns into Penny Como...

and I say...

- Holy f***.

- What?

CHUCK:
Holy, holy f***.

You just gave me an idea

for a show. F***.

PENNY:
A show about monkeys?

CHUCK:
No, about people.

About sex, about romance...

about the bullshit of dating.

I call it "The Dating Game"...

and that's what it's about,

Mr. Goldberg.

A pretty girl

asks three handsome guys...

who she can't see...

silly questions...

and based on their answers...

she picks one to date,

and we pay for the date.

That's it.

That's the show.

CHUCK:
Aah, Aah, Aah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

- Hot damn!

- What, what, what?

- They bought it.

- Yeah.

CHUCK:
They bought it!

They're giving me 7,500

f***in' dollars to make a pilot!

PENNY:
We gotta go celebrate!

Let's go roller skating!

CHUCK:
I can't. I got a date.

PENNY:
OK, cool.

Will you call me after?

- OK.

- OK. Bye. Mwah.

[Upbeat music playing]

[No audio]

BARRIS:
I figured I was in.

All I had to do

was get the pilot made...

[Camera clicks]

and I'd be a millionaire.

Everyone would love me.

Was anyone even so young?

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- All right. Lose it.

BARRIS:
ABC didn't like

"The Dating Game."

They did like a show

called "Hootenanny."

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I like this one.

CHUCK:
Well, he led

an amazingly long life.

BARRIS:
Hooter-f***in'-nanny.

PENNY:
What do they know?

That's long for a dog.

I don't know.

Probably about 70 to you and me.

[Sighs] Uh-huh.

It's nine years

to every one of ours.

[Thump]

PENNY:
Ha ha ha!

[Bag rustles]

CHUCK:
Yeah.

[Penny laughing]

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry about your show.

What?

How long has he been dead?

Jesus, Phoebe, that's...

Yeah. No, I'll hold on.

- Is that your mom?

- My sister.

Come here. Oh, yeah.

I got you these.

Listen, Pen, I'm not...

I want to tell you something.

I talked to a psychic today.

- A what?

- A psychic.

And she said that you are

gonna be very successful.

- Oh, really?

- Very successful.

- Tarot cards?

- Tea leaves.

Say that again, Phoebe.

I missed it.

Tuvia? No, why would I

have seen her?

- She did?

- Who's Tuvia?

- To Manhattan?

- Who's Tuvia?

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