Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Page #5

Yeah.

CHUCK:
Uh-huh.

Oh, your niece.

CHUCK:
Divorced? Really?

I didn't know she got married.

Yes?

Hi, Tuvia.

Well, if it isn't

Strawberry Dick Barris.

- What do you want?

- Ha ha ha!

I'm back in town for a while,

and I thought maybe...

TUVIA:
Jesus,

you gotta be kidding.

CHUCK:
We could go out

and get an ice cream cone.

He's so convincing

when he's... Heh heh...

when he's talkin' with you...

he could convince you

of anything, you know?

He's one of

the very few guys...

I'd like to have on my side

in a street fight.

CHUCK:
You wanna fight,

you big pile of sh*t?

[Thud]

[Grunting and shouting]

You're a pretty angry

young fella.

Can't fight worth a damn,

though.

CHUCK:
Hey. Screw off. Queen.

Don't think I haven't seen you

watching me...

in that bar for a week now.

Kind of a loner, I'd say.

Fairly bright,

a tad antisocial.

Mad at the world.

Can I buy you lunch?

[Sighs] Look, there's

a schoolyard half a block down.

Why don't you go trollin' there?

JIM:
I can teach you

at least 30 different ways...

to kill a man with

a single blow, Mr. Barris.

It might help

in future bar fights.

Just a thought.

Oh, and there's money in it...

good money.

CHUCK:
I figure

if I can keep afloat...

until I come up with

the next game show idea...

then all would be copacetic.

That sounds great, Chuck.

I've never known

a television producer before.

I'm impressed.

[Chuckles] Yeah. OK.

What's this money and a deal

you were talking about?

JIM:
I work

for a government agency.

We're always looking for good,

enthusiastic men...

to help us carry out

our directives.

What kind of work?

What government agency?

Problem-solving work.

The Office

of Diplomatic Security.

[Laughs] Office of what?

I never heard of it.

Is that the f***in' CIA

or something?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

JIM:
Please be discreet,

Mr. Barris.

[Whispers] Jesus.

Is this the f***in' CIA?

Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy.

Where do I sign up?

Are you f***in' with me?

You're f***in' with me,

aren't you?

JIM:
Hardly.

And you wouldn't be working

for the company.

You'd be an independent

contract agent.

Independent.

No official tie to any agency.

Understand?

Why me?

Well, as you know,

I've been watching you.

For quite some time, actually.

I've only let you know about it

for the last week.

I'm happy to report

you fit our profile, Mr. Barris.

Are you interested in the work?

What's the profile?

JIM:
Are you interested

in the work, Mr. Barris?

Yeah, sure.

I wanna be a secret agent.

A contract agent, whatever.

Get to f*** beautiful

Eastern European women...

What we do is very serious,

Mr. Barris.

It's essential in quelling

the rise of comunism...

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