Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

[Traffic sounds]

I wouldn't want

to live his life...

'cause he hasn't been happy

all of his life.

All I think is, if you can

find work, stay healthy...

find somebody to share it with,

you're the ultimate success.

He's had some of the pieces

of the puzzle...

but not all of them.

BURGER:
"I, Ronald Reagan,

do solemnly swear..."

REAGAN:
I, Ronald Reagan,

do solemnly swear...

BURGER:
"That I will faithfully

execute the office...

"of President of

the United States."

That I will faithfully

execute the office...

[Tone blares]

[Cartoon music playing]

BARRIS:
When you're young,

your potential is infinite.

You might

do anything. Nearly.

You might be Einstein...

you might be DiMaggio.

Then you get to an age

when what you might be...

gives way

to what you have been.

You weren't Einstein.

You weren't anything.

That's a bad moment.

[Knock on door]

Chuck, it's Pen.

[Peephole opens]

CHUCK:
Hey, Jesus.

How'd you find me?

You wrote me your last letter

on hotel stationery.

CHUCK:
Oh. It's great

to see you, Pen.

You look... you look beautiful.

PENNY:
This place is scary.

CHUCK:
Yeah. The human psyche.

PENNY:
I came to take you back

to California with me.

CHUCK:
Uh, no...

PENNY:
It's a lonely state

without you.

CHUCK:
I'm home, Red.

I can't wait forever

for you to marry me.

Well, apparently, I can,

but I really don't want to.

CHUCK:
Uh...

PENNY, CRYING:

I love you so much.

PENNY:
You don't understand.

I don't even know why.

CHUCK:
Oh, Penny...

Penny, Penny, Penny.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

[Slow piano music playing]

[Chuck closes peephole]

CHUCK:
Listen. I gotta go. OK?

I'm kind of busy right now. OK?

BARRIS:
It was 1981...

and I had loved myself up

in this New York hotel...

the Phoenix Hotel...

terrified of everything,

ashamed of my life.

Until. Finally,

I realized my salvation...

might be in recording

my wasted life unflinchingly.

[Typing]

Maybe it would serve

as a cautionary tale...

and maybe it would help me

understand why.

When I was 11,

I had an experience...

with my sister's friend

Tuvia...

that left

an indelible impression.

- Hey.

- What?

- Tuvia.

- What?

You want to lick it?

[Scoffs]

No. Why should I?

Well, for one thing,

it tastes like strawberry.

My sister tells me

you love strawberries.

Yeah, well,

I hate strawberries.

CHUCK:
No, I'm serious.

It tastes exactly like

a strawberry lollipop.

TUVIA:
Look,

I know that's not true.

- Well, I bet you it does.

- I bet you it doesn't.

CHUCK:
I'll bet you a dollar.

BARRIS:
Tuvia... my first love.

[Typing]

Perhaps my whole life

turned at that point.

The repulsiveness

of my sex confirmed...

by the taste buds

of a rippening pubescent girl.

What are you doing?

Get off me!

And so I found myself...

in a downward spiral

of debauchery...

endlessly chasing pussy.

[Doo wop music playing]

[Loud kissing]

My only focus in life

to get laid. To get blown...

tying to fool myself

into believing...

that given

the right combination...

of circumstances

and deception...

maybe the Tuvias

of the world...

could desire me

the way I desired them.

[Thwack]

I only wanted to be loved.

[Moans softly]

CHUCK:
No...

[Sobbing]

# Won't you tell me why #

# I love #

[Zips pants]

# That girly so #

[Kissing]

# She doesn't want me #

BARRIS:
The constant

inarticulate rage...

led to bar fight

after bar fight.

[Faint laughter]

TV ANNOUNCER:
New York

is a city of people...

the only state

in the union to stretch...

from the Atlantic Ocean

to the Great Lakes.

Directly across the avenue is...

you're right again.

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