Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen Page #5

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I was hoping I'd get replaced

by Ashton Kutcher.

What a bunch of nobodies

we're left with.

Is this a roast

or the republican primaries?

This is hard.

How do you roast a meltdown?

Charlie's meltdown was so bad,

Al Gore's making

a documentary about it.

Tell us, Charlie.

How do you go from being

TVs highest-paid actor ever

to being the highest actor

ever to be on TV?

Charlie's nostrils are

so snotty and full of coke

he calls them

the Hilton sisters.

Instead of getting his life

together,

Charlie went out on

a national comedy tour...

Where every night, Charlie,

you walked on stage

and you told the audience

you were a warlock from Mars.

Oh, maybe you are.

But I'll tell you

what you're not--

a comedian from earth.

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up

what Larry Flynt

is to standing up.

Charlie, if you're winning,

then something's wrong

with the [bleep] scoreboard.

Come on, man.

Charlie, if you're winning,

then this must not be

a child custody hearing.

The only time your kids

get to see you is in reruns.

Charlie, don't you want to live

to see their first 12 steps?

You're the black sheep

of a family

responsible for three

Mighty Ducks movies.

You make your own

father ashamed

that he shares the same

fake name as you.

Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez

said they would have

been here tonight,

but they had

a family obligation.

Charlie's never lonely.

Don't worry.

I've been up to that house.

I can tell you that Charlie

is stockpiling whores up there.

The place is packed

with whores.

Charlie,

you should be on Hoarders.

Charlie Sheen

has paid for so much sex,

he keeps his credit card

under his balls to save time.

Anthony Jeselnik, some say

you're the next Greg Giraldo.

Let's hope so.

Where's slash?

There he is.

Slash, you were awesome

in the open of the show, man.

That was cool.

Always in that top hat, man.

You're like the Abe Lincoln

of rock and roll...

Especially since

you haven't had a hit

in four score and seven years.

Yeah.

I'm kidding, slash.

Thanks for playing my nephew's

bar mitzvah last year.

That was cool.

That was really cool.

And oh, wow, look at that.

Looking good, Brooke Mueller.

Charlie's ex.

What's up, babe?

What's up?

She's not very bright

unless Charlie's throwing

a lamp at her.

Too soon?

Oh, Jon Lovitz.

Great job tonight, man.

That was funny.

Nice to see you taking a break

from taking a break.

Jon, what's your catch phrase?

"Chinning!"

And there's our old

roast honoree,

William Shatner, one of

the coolest guys in the world.

I'm not gonna make fun of him,

'cause he looks like

he's on his final frontier.

Hey, Captain Kirk,

maybe Scotty can beam your balls

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