Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen Page #4

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Thank you very much.

Anthony Jeselnik,

I don't normally do this,

but I have to break

doctor-patient confidentiality.

Your results came back,

and it turns out that

that embarrassing,

nasty parasite on your penis

is Amy Schumer.

And there is no cure.

I'm so, so happy to see

that William Shatner is here,

because a medical colleague

told me that you passed on.

I said, "Bullshit.

Have seen his resume?

Shatner's never

passed on anything."

Just wait.

You look great.

I mean, your skin is so tight.

I can't tell

if you've had a face-lift

or vaginal rejuvenation.

Patrice O'Neal,

I understand you have diabetes,

and as you know,

this disease is very serious

and often linked to a poor diet.

So my advice is simple.

Grape soda does not count

as a fruit.

Mr. Sheen,

the doctor will see you now.

I have to say, Charlie,

you are an incredible

medical specimen.

I guess that's

one of the benefits

of waking up every morning

at the crack of crack.

And, you know, it's amazing.

Despite all those years

of abusing your lungs,

your kidneys, your liver,

the only thing you've had

removed is your kids.

Admittedly, Charlie gets

a little confused sometimes.

He's the only guy

who pulls a knife

on a woman who's already

willing to [bleep] him.

I'll drink to that.

I'll drink to that.

Michael, drink to that.

But is Charlie really

the worst guy here?

So he made a chick

blow him for 30 grand.

Mike Tyson makes you blow him

"'Cause I said so. That's why."

I'll drink to that, too.

I'll drink...

Isn't that right,

Steve-O?

And so, Charlie,

I'm happy to say,

whether it's your Adonis DNA,

your tiger blood,

or the drug

called Charlie Sheen,

for some reason, you're able

to defy science and medicine

and continue to survive.

I'll pencil you in

for your relapse next week.

Thank you so much.

Good night.

Still to come, Jeff Ross...

I wanted to dress like

the world's biggest dictator

to roast the world's

biggest dick.

Steve-O...

Just a bunch a people

having a great time

- being mean to each other.

- And Mike Tyson.

Charlie, um, enjoy a night

of some serious "bambargment."

And I'm gonna rip you

a new a**hole.

And, um, I still love you--

no hard feelings.

All right.

Here comes Jeff Ross...

Who actually toured

with Charlie.

You know, I always thought

Jeff was a terrible comic,

until I learned

that he actually is

seriously, for real,

mentally retarded.

And now I think he's

an inspiration and a hero.

So please welcome America's

special needs comedian,

Jeff Ross.

Yeah!

Give it up for the warlock!

Friends, roasters, enablers,

lend Mike Tyson your ears.

Because this lineup

is so pathetic,

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