Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen Page #6

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up from the floor...

You old pervert.

Backstage he flashed Kate Walsh

his graying anatomy.

And I can't believe

I get to sit

next to the--

"Iron" Mike Tyson, man,

one of the coolest, most amazing

athletes in the world.

Thanks for rolling with

the punches tonight, champ.

Thank you, Jeff.

Thank you, Jeff.

I bet you haven't been

sh*t on this hard

since you cleaned

your pigeon Coop this morning.

Not only do you love pigeons,

but you sound like one.

Listen, I'm not gonna make fun

of Mike Tyson,

because if he--

That's right. 'Cause I'm gonna

sh*t on you tonight.

That's right.

I know, I know.

If you're willing to do that

to your face,

imagine what

he would do to mine.

What is that on your face,

a target for pepper spray?

Mike, the ironic thing is,

after all the faces

you bashed in,

the one you [bleep] up

the most is your own.

Ah, but there's no denying

the fact that Mike Tyson

had the hardest-hitting

right hook in history.

Your opponents spent more time

bleeding in the corner

than Charlie's ex-wives.

Too soon? Too soon?

Too real? Too real?

Has anybody seen your ex-goddess

Bree Olson's latest movie?

Last time I saw that many guys

coming out of the same hole,

I was watching the rescue

of the Chilean miners.

Charlie, by taking

these punches from us tonight,

you've proved to all your fans

that you're the new king

of the comebacks.

Yeah.

In fact...

In fact you've [bleep]

on more backs

than anyone in Hollywood.

Charlie,

when you were on the tour,

I roasted you eight times

in eight different cities.

And I got meaner every time.

You were a great sport--

perhaps the greatest sport

in roast history,

and I don't know

what you're gonna do next,

but whatever you decide,

I know firsthand that there's

an army of fans out there

waiting to check it out

and support you

in a big way.

I love you guys.

Thank you so much.

The warlock--the best.

Coming up...

We're not gonna be bashing

ourselves,

but we're gonna listen

to Charlie get bashed.

Mike Tyson,

Steve-O,

and William Shatner.

We roasted William Shatner,

and now he's back to show

everybody he's a good sport.

No, I'm not a good sport.

I'm after revenge.

All right, our next roaster

is Mike Tyson.

Tyson has had three marriages.

The first two

ended in knockouts.

He's a guy--

I threw in the [bleep] towel.

Please don't murder me.

He's a guy...

He's a guy who's beaten every

opponent he has gone up against

except the letter "S."

So...

So now please...

Please be patient

as he sounds out his jokes.

Ladies and gentlemen,

"Iron" Mike Tyson!

Mama said knock you out

I'm gonna knock you out

Oh, sh*t.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, Seth.

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