Carry On Loving Page #4

You come here using ridiculous words

like "relations" and "intercourse"

without having the slightest idea

what they mean!

I don't know what they mean?!

You're round the bleedin' twist!

That's it! Get out of my office, do you hear?

Get out!

We're getting out! Don't worry, mate!

Mr Snooper,

I must ask you to keep your voice down!

You can be heard all over the building.

I'm sorry. I was trying to give

this wretched couple some advice.

Advice? You couldn't advise a constipated cow

to take a laxative.

Sir, sir, if you and your wife

would care to wait outside,

I'll see you in a moment.

Snooper, these incidents are happening

far too often.

Well, I'm really very, very sorry, sir.

It's not all your fault. I shouldn't have employed

a bachelor to give advice to married couples.

But I know all about married couples.

My father and mother were one, you know.

I'm delighted to hear it, but it's not good enough.

Unless you're prepared to get married,

we'll have to dispense with your services.

- Is that understood?

- But I'm a confirmed bachelor.

I don't know any women.

Then find one!

Go to a matrimonial agency or something.

But do it. Soon.

Married? lt'll disrupt my entire life!

Well, that's all right, then.

Age, habits, hobbies, likes, dislikes.

Now, did you say you'd been married before?

That's right. Twice.

Are your wives dead?

That's right.

I see.

The first wife died from eating mushrooms.

Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that.

So was she.

The second wife died from a fractured skull.

A fractured skull? How did that happen?

Wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

Wouldn't eat the mu...

Thank you, Dr Crippen.

Don't call us, we'll call you.

Thank you.

You must be joking!

Oh, good afternoon.

The Wedded Bliss Agency sent me.

Mr Philpot?

That's right. I'm supposed to meet

a Miss Jenny Grubb.

You wouldn't be?

Jenny is my daughter.

Oh, thank goodness...

Er, thank goodness I've come to the right place.

That remains to be seen.

Thank you very much.

Jenny is in here, Mr Philpot, having tea.

- You haven't had it, have you?

- Oh, no. No, this is the first time we've met.

- Tea, Mr Philpot.

- Oh, I'm sorry. No, I haven't.

Good afternoon.

Nice day.

This is Mr Philpot, who wishes to marry Jenny.

I say, steady on. I mean,

give us a chance to get to know each other first.

See how we hit it off, eh?

Mr Philpot, you may as well understand

here and now

that there will be no question of "hitting it off"

before marriage.

No, I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea.

I only went to the agency for a bit of fun.

If it's fun you want,

I fear you've come to the wrong place.

Yes, I can see that.

Well, you may as well meet Jenny

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