Carry On Loving Page #3

Don't forget. Parkway Cocktail Bar, 7:30. Ta-ta.

Sophie. Sophie!

Now, cut it out, Sophie!

Well, Henry, you heard Mr Snooper's advice.

Do you think we should try it?

If you want to, Emily, but personally I don't think

a pair of steps is going to be the answer.

If I'm to help you sort out your problems,

I must insist on absolute candour.

Do not be afraid to use natural words

for natural functions.

You won't easily shock me, I can promise you.

So, let's have all the dirty linen out

and give it a jolly good washing, eh?

Now, who's going to be first? You, Mrs Dreery?

Well, really,

I suppose the trouble is we just can't get on.

Now, let's try to be more precise.

Get on... what? A horse? A bus?

Oh, no. You know.

Well, we just seem to have rows all the time.

Ah, rows, yes. About what, precisely?

Oh, everything. Like the way he went on

about that fireside chair I got him.

I think so, an' all. Look at it!

It must've been made for a bloody midget.

I couldn't get half my arse on it.

Hardly the cause for a row, Mr Dreery.

You must learn to turn the other cheek,

in a manner of speaking.

I didn't come here for a laugh, you know, mate.

I can stay at home and look at her for that.

Yes, well, there's usually some deeper,

underlying cause for stress in these cases.

Of course there is.

Let's face it.

You see, our problem is about our... sex.

You shouldn't have any trouble in that direction.

After all, you're one of each.

Some people are far worse off, you know.

- Are you trying to be funny, mate?

- No, no. Certainly not.

You don't seem to get the point, mate.

You see, the trouble with my wife is...

she won't have...

relations.

Oh, I think that's hardly fair, Mrs Dreery.

After all, it's perfectly normal to entertain

members of the family from time to time.

No, no, no, no, no.

She won't have...

...intercourse.

What?! Well, you must chat about something.

What he's trying to say is that we never have it.

That intimacy never takes place between us.

Ah, I see! Well, of course, you should have

mentioned that in the first place.

Obviously, that's the basic root of the problem.

Yes. Well, of course.

It naturally follows that everyone

should lead a well-balanced sex life.

That's the trouble: it isn't well balanced.

He's five stone heavier than me.

Mm. Yes. Oh.

I see. Yes, I can understand

the position you've been put on... put in.

Stone the crows. What's he talking about?

But don't you see?

At the moment, you are a dead weight.

And you're a bloody dead loss.

Don't talk to me like that!

Here I am, trying to help you...

Help me?

You couldn't help a dog find a bloody lamppost.

How dare you!

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