Carry on Doctor Page #3

---

That's another thermometer gone, Doctor.

Never mind. You can still use it on people

who are a bit round the bend.

This hospital just isn't big enough for both of us,

Dr Kilmore.

Oh, now, come on.

You're not all that big, Matron.

Oh, yes, I see.

I hear you have a casualty for me.

Yes. Nothing serious, of course,

or I wouldn't have sent for you.

- I have an idea she doesn't like me.

- She doesn't like anybody, the old...

It's not as though I bumped into her on purpose.

Anyone would think I made a habit of it.

- What's your trouble?

- Oh, I had my appendix out.

Appendix? Well, what about your leg?

Oh, no, that happened

when I fell off the operating table!

Oh.

Cheers.

Did you wish to go somewhere, Mr Biddle?

I did, but you frightened me out of it.

I wish you'd speak to him, Doctor.

He will keep wandering around the corridors.

I think it's a good thing for him

to get about as much as possible, Sister.

So long as he keeps well away

from other wards, of course.

Oh, don't worry. I will, doc.

- Right. Where's this casualty?

- Over here, Doctor.

- Good evening. I'm Doctor Kilmore.

- And about time too,

I may say.

If this is the National Health Service,

take me back to the leeches.

Well, I'm sorry if I've kept you waiting, Mr...

Bigger, Doctor.

Mr Francis Bigger.

Bigger? Francis Bigger?

Wait a minute!

That rings a bell.

You must be that chap who goes round saying

that doctors and medicine are unnecessary.

Well, I... I didn't exactly say that.

You see, I deal with the mind.

Of course, yes.

You see, if one thinks

that nothing will happen to one,

nothing will.

What went wrong?

Well, I must've stopped thinking for the moment.

Well, let's have a look at you.

If you'll just turn over, please.

Well, I can't. I'm in agony.

Help him, would you, Sister?

Oh, hang on a sec!

Back a bit. My thing's caught.

- I beg your pardon?

- My stethoscope...

Ouch!

Hurts a bit, does it?

Just a whimsy.

Mmm, yes, there's quite a bit of bruising there.

You... You landed on your coccyx.

I did not. I fell on my back.

Your coccyx is at the base of the spine,

Mr Bigger.

Is it?

Well, it's the first time I've heard it called that.

Well, I don't think there's any fracture,

but we'll X-ray first thing tomorrow.

X- ray?!

Now, what could be wrong?

It's just a precautionary measure, Mr Bigger.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

- Do you think you'll be able to sleep all right?

- Yes, of course. You've been a real comfort.

I'll give you a local jab to kill the pain,

if you'll just turn over.

Turn over, turn here, turn there!

I wish I'd never come here in the first place.

Oh, get out of it!

Thank you, Nurse.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes