Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words Page #4

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I ADOPTED A CHILD

FROM OVERSEAS:

TO RESCUE HIM:

FROM CHILD-LABOR FACTORIES

AND ON HIS:

VERY FIRST BIRTHDAY

WE WEN TO BUILD-A-BEAR WORKSHOP

ISN'T THAT IRONIC?

ISN'T THAT I-R-O-N-I-C

I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C

WATER PARK:

IS BURNED TO THE GROUND

AND A TOW TRUCK:

HAS BROKEN DOWN:

I ALWAYS USED TO CRY

WHEN I LAUGHED:

AND THEN I WAS RAPED

BY A CLOWN:

(laughter)

ISN'T--

I WAS WATCHING AL GORE

ON CNN:

HE WAS TALKING AND TALKING

AND TALKING AND THEN

OUT OF BOREDOM MY PE POLAR BEAR SHOT HIMSELF

ISN'T THAT IRONIC?

I DATED:

AN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST

AND ONE DAY:

SHE GOT REALLY PISSED

BECAUSE I WAS EATING VEAL

THAT WAS WRAPPED IN PITA BREAD

PETA? F*** IT.

(laughter)

ISN'T THAT I-R-O-N-I-C

I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?

YEAH,

I'M A STAND-UP COMIC

AND I ALWAYS SI AND SLOUCH

AND I GO MY GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT

ON MY STERILE UNCLE'S

PULL-OUT COUCH

(chuckles)

ISN'T IT IRONIC?

I-R-O-N-I-C

YEAH, IF EVERY DAY YOU PLAY

THE BOARD GAME RISK

YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER TAKEN

A RISK IN YOUR LIFE

AND MONOPOLY:

HAS FAR FROM A STRANGLEHOLD

ON THE BOARD GAME MARKET

A LITTLE KID DIED

FROM SUFFOCATION

WHEN HE CHOKED ON A GAME PIECE

FROM OPERATION:

AND I CAN'T GROW A BEARD

THAT ONE'S NOT IRONIC

THAT ONE'S JUST SAD

(laughter)

YEAH, BOB BARKER

GOT ALL OF MY PETS PREGNANT

(laughter)

MY GRANDFATHER:

HAD ALZHEIMER'S

AND ONE DAY, WE WERE

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

(man)

TAKE IT OFF, BIG BOY!

THANK YOU,

IT'S A MEDIUM.

UM...

(laughter)

WE LIVE IN A BINARY REALITY.

WE DO.

IT'S A WORLD OF BLACK

AND WHITE.

THERE'S ONLY TWO TYPES

OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD,

YOU KNOW,

THOSE WHO CAN FINISH LISTS...

WHAT IS ART?

WHAT IS ART?

IS ART SOMETHING GAY PEOPLE DO

TO GET BACK AT THEIR FATHERS?

COULD BE.

WHAT IS AN ARTIST?

WHAT MAKES A GREAT ARTIST,

GREAT ARTISTS LIKE MYSELF,

LIKE THE GREAT DIRECTOR

MICHAEL BAY.

LIKE THE GREAT IRISH ACTOR,

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL.

WE ASK QUESTIONS, YOU KNOW?

QUESTIONS NOBODY ELSE

DARES TO ASK.

QUESTIONS LIKE...

WHERE ARE ALL:

THE SOUR PATCH PARENTS?

QUESTIONS LIKE:

IF MICKEY'S A MOUSE

AND MINNIE'S A MOUSE,

AND DONALD'S A DUCK,

AND DAISY AND GOOFY,

IF THEY'RE ALL ANIMALS,

AND THEY CAN TALK,

WHY IS PLUTO JUST A F***IN' DOG?

WHY--DID THEY JUST FORGET TO

ANTHROPOMORPHIZE HIM, OR WORSE,

IS MICKEY KEEPING A MENTALLY

HANDICAPPED DUDE AS PET?

I'M NOT MAKING LIGHT OF IT.

THAT'S F***ED UP.

HOW DOES IT FIT INTO

THAT UNIVERSE, THAT PARADIGM?

GOOFY'S A DOG. HE'S TALKING.

THIS ONE, CRAWLING AROUND.

(laughter)

GUYS, I WOULD NEVER BASH DISNEY.

I WOULD NEVER BASH DISNEY.

I THINK DISNEY TEACHES

YOUNG KIDS:

SUCH IMPORTANT LESSONS.

THE PRINCESS FAIRY TALES

TEACH YOUNG GIRLS

SUCH IMPORTANT LESSONS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE CINDERELLA,

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