Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words Page #5

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IT DOESN'T MATTER

WHERE YOU COME FROM

OR HOW POOR YOU ARE AS LONG

AS YOU'RE INCREDIBLY HOT.

(laughter)

SNOW WHITE, YOU KNOW, WHICH

ENCOURAGES CHILDREN TO,

YOU KNOW,

GIVE MIDGETS NICKNAMES.

SLEEPING BEAUTY,

YOU KNOW,

WHICH ENCOURAGES, UH...

DATE RAPE.

MAYBE NOT--

MAYBE NOT THAT ONE.

I WAS DOING A SHOW RECENTLY

ON THE BORDER:

OF HANNAH, MONTANA,

AND SOUTH DAKOTA FANNING.

AND A GUY CAME UP TO ME

AFTER THE SHOW,

AND SAID, "BO, WHY DON' YOU EVER TELL STORIES

ABOUT PEOPLE COMING UP TO YOU

AFTER THE SHOW?"

AND I SAID,

"'CAUSE THEY'RE NEVER FUNNY."

(light laughter)

(man)

I WOULD F*** YOU.

(mocking laugh)

THIS IS A LISTENING SHOW.

(laughter)

UM...

(light applause)

YEAH.

BE QUIET, AMERICA DOESN' WANT TO HEAR YOU CLAP.

DO IT, THOUGH,

WHEN I NEED IT.

(scattered clapping)

WHEN I NEED IT!

(laughter)

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

A BLACK GIRLFRIEND,

NOT AS JOKE,

JUST 'CAUSE LIKE,

THEN WHEN WE 69,

I CAN CALL IT "YIN YANGING."

(audience groans, applause)

GUYS, SEE--

EASY, LOOK,

IT'S 21st-CENTURY RACISM.

IT'S RACISM

IN LIGHT OF ITSELF.

THE ONLY REASON I'M MAKING THESE

CLAIMS IS BECAUSE THE STIGMAS

ABOUT RACE ARE ALREADY THERE

AND I'M JUST PLAYING OFF THAT.

'CAUSE I THINK RACISM ITSELF

IS SO RIDICULOUS,

AND THEY UNDERSTAND THAT,

SO IF AFTER THE SHOW,

YOU SEE A BLACK GUY

BEATING ME UP,

HE'S DOING IT IRONICALLY.

OKAY?

(audience members shouting)

(laughter)

(woman)

I'LL SLEEP WITH YOU!

(laughter)

(woman) WE ALL WILL!

(audience members shouting)

YA DONE?

(laughter)

OF COURSE ALL THE WOMEN THA SAID THAT WERE IN THE DARK.

I, UM...

(laughter)

NO, I BET YOU'RE GORGEOUS

IN THE DARK.

UM...

OKAY.

(slow piano music plays)

(tempo increases)

I'M A FEMININE EMINEM

A SLIM SHADY LADY BUT NICE

'CAUSE I TEXTED HAITI

90 LADY COPS IN THE ROAD

AND I'M ARRESTED

FOR DOIN' 80

LIKE HAMLET, I'M ABOUT WORDS,

WORDS, WORDS

DIVIDE A WHOLE INTO THIRDS,

THIRDS, THIRDS

I'M A GAY SEA OTTER

I BLOW OTHER DUDES

OUT OF THE WATER

I'M THE MAN-MUFFIN

DIVIN' MUFFIN,

COLD AND FLY:

LIKE AN ARCTIC PUFFIN'

PUFFIN' WACKY-TOBACCY

HATIN' OTHER RAPPERS

LIKE I'M HUGGIN' PATAKI

AND I'VE BEEN ROCKIN' THIS MIC

BEFORE ELECTRICITY

WAY BACK IN 1,000 B.C.E.

THAT'S BEFORE

THE COMIN' ERA--

(imitates record scratching)

OH, GOD, CAN'T BE STOPPED

FLOW SO SICK:

THAT IT SHOULD BE MOPPED UP

CHICK'S GOT A DIXIE CUP

I GOT A DICK FULL OF HELIUM,

I'LL F*** YOU UP

A BOY, A GIRL,

A MIDDLE-AGED B*TCH

BOTOX IN THE THIRD PERSON

I GAVE THE PERSPECTIVE

A SWITCH AND:

BOTOX IN THE THIRD PERSON

OH, JUST RELAX

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME

HERE'S TWO FACTS

I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES

AND I'M A HYPOCRITE

(laughter)

SAID I HATE:

CATCHY CHORUSES:

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