Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words

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(cheers and applause)

THANK YOU.

(laughter)

WHEN I SAY HEY,

YOU SAY HO.

HEY.

HO!

HEY.

HO!

THAT'S BASICALLY HOW HITLER

ROSE TO POWER.

(laughter,

soft piano music plays)

MY SHOW:

IS A LITTLE BIT SILLY

AND A LITTLE BI PRETENTIOUS

LIKE SHAKESPEARE'S WILLIE

OR NOAM CHOMSKY:

WEARING A STRAP-ON

IT'S ALSO A LITTLE BIT GAY

AND A LITTLE BIT OFFENSIVE

LIKE THANKSGIVING DAY

OR NOAM CHOMSKY:

WEARING A STRAP... ON

SO PUT YOUR CELL PHONES

TO VIBRATE:

AND PUT YOUR VIBRATORS

TO CELL-PHONE MODE

AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW

IT GOES A LITTLE BI LIKE THIS--JOKE

EXACTLY,

WELCOME TO MY FLOW

IT FLOWS A LITTLE BI LIKE THIS

WITH A RAP AND A DISS

THEN A SWIFT RAP ON THE WRIS A RAP AND A KISS

LIKE HERSHEY'S WRAPPIN'

A KISS, SHIT

I GOT A SHOW:

THAT'LL TEST YOUR KIDS

AND I'D ASK ONE QUESTION,

AND THE QUESTION IS

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY?

FUNNY, FU-FUNNY

WHAT'S FUNNY

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

FUNNY, OH, YEAH

HUMOR IS OFTEN LINKED

TO SHARED EXPERIENCE

LIKE A GUY GETS UP AND SAYS

HAVE YOU NOTICED

THAT PUBLIC RESTROOMS HAVE

REALLY INEFFICIENT HAND DRYERS

OH, MY GOD,

YES, I HAVE

HA HA HA,

REALLY GOOD POINT

THEY SHOULD FIX THAT

IT'S GOOD TO KNOW

THAT SOMEBODY FINALLY GETS ME

'CAUSE MY WIFE DIVORCED ME

WHICH SUBCONSCIOUSLY FORCED ME

TO LOSE ALL SENSE OF SELF

SO IT'S NICE TO THINK

ABOUT HAND DRYERS

AND NOT THAT CHEATING WHORE

BECAUSE STAND-UP COMEDY

IS ACTUALLY PRETTY EASY

IF YOU'RE AN ASIAN COMIC

JUST GET UP AND SAY

MY MOTHER'S GO THE WEIRDEST FUCKIN' ACCENT

THEN JUST DO:

A CHINESE ACCENT

'CAUSE EVERYBODY LAUGHS

AT THE CHINESE ACCENT

BECAUSE THEY PRIVATELY THOUGH YOUR PEOPLE WERE LAUGHABLE

NOW YOU'VE GIVEN THEM

THE CHANCE:

TO EXPRESS THAT IN PUBLIC

OH, YEAH,

IF YOU'RE A MUSICAL COMIC

JUST GIVE 'EM A LITTLE WEIRD

VOICE INFLECTION

THEN TAKE A VIAGRA

AND SLAP 'EM

WITH A ROCK-HARD MISDIRECTION

OH, WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

FUNNY, FU-FUNNY

TOURETTES!

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

FUNNY, OH

AND THE AUDIENCE SAYS,

WHEN I WAS A BABY

MAYBE I LAUGHED AT PEOPLE

JIGGLING KEYS:

NOW I'M OLDER

AND BOLDER AND JUST GET MAD

'CAUSE I NOTICE THAT THE KEYS

ARE TO A HUMMER:

F*CK MY LIFE,

I DON'T F*CK MY WIFE

SO F*CK MY WIFE:

AND F*CK MY LIFE

AND MY SON IS GAY,

BUT NOT SITCOM GAY

DAUGHTER'S A WHORE

LIKE ANOTHER GIRL

THAT USED TO BE YOUR MOTHER

BUT THE MARRIAGE

MADE HER MISS MARY AMERICANA

I WANNA TEAM WITH

THAT SCREAMIN' PRIMA DONNA

BUT THE RADICAL FEMINISTS

MADE MY WIFE A MAN

OH, AND IF I DIE HAPPY

THE SITUATION:

WILL BE AUTOEROTIC

ASPHYXIATION:

I HATE MY LIFE:

AND IT HATES ME BACK

AND MY FRIEND IS BLACK

BUT I DON'T KNOW

WHAT TO CALL HIM

SO I JUST CALL HIM

"WHAT UP, JAMAL?"

(laughter)

EVEN THOUGH HIS NAME

IS STEVE:

I HATE MY JOB,

I HATE MY LIFE:

HATE MY KIDS,

I HATE MY WIFE:

JEWS DON'T I KNOW I DO IT,

JUDAS BEAT ME TO IT

I'M SLOWLY SLIPPING

INTO A SOLIPSISTIC COMA

AND I MASTURBATE

'CAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE

WHOSE STANDARDS:

ARE LOW ENOUGH TO F*CK ME

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

FUNNY, FU-FUNNY

(pops) IT'S A BOY.

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

FUNNY, YEAH

HOPEFULLY THIS:

(plays finale)

(raspberry)

THANK YOU.

(cheers and applause)

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