Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words Page #3

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2000--THANK YOU.

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

I GOT A DANZA NOMINATION

FOR THAT.

IT'S RIGHT AFTER THE TONYS.

2000--

2003 I DID A PIECE

CALLED "THE NATIVE AMERICAN

IN THE MAGIC SHOW."

HOW?

(laughter)

2004, I DID A PIECE CALLED

"SMEAGOL FROM LORD OF THE RINGS

HAVING SEX WITH A BLACK GIRL.

(imitates Gollum)

OH! PRECIOUS.

(laughter and applause)

TWO THOU...

2005, I DID A PIECE CALLED

"CHARLIE BROWN

GETTING MOLESTED."

(clears throat)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HELLO, IS ANYBODY HERE?

(imitates "Charlie Brown"

adult speech)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LET GO OF ME!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

(rhythmically imitates

"Charlie Brown" adult speech)

GOOD GRIEF!

SO, 2000, UM..

(cheers and applause)

THANK YOU. YEAH.

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

2005, 6? 5?

DOESN'T MATTER.

I'M LYING.

2000--

(laughter)

2006, I DID A PIECE CALLED

"THE FIGURE SKATER'S FATHER."

MY SON?

WHAT DOES HE DO?

HE'S A, UH...

HE'S AN ATHLETE.

WHAT KIND OF ATHLETE?

HE'S A, UH...

HE'S A F--

HE A--

HE'S A F--

(women scream)

2000...

(laughter)

2007, I DID A PIECE CALLED

"THE JUGGLER'S WIFE."

"PLEASE STOP JUGGLING!"

2008...

I DID A DARK PIECE THAT CAUSED

A LOT OF CONTROVERSY

BECAUSE I PLAYED A SLAVE

IN THE 1780s,

BUT I DIDN'T WEAR MAKEUP,

'CAUSE AS AN ARTIST,

I FEEL I'M QUALIFIED

TO TELL ANY STORY.

AND IT WAS:

A PIECE CALLED "WHIPLASHES,"

AND IT'S RAW, HARD ART,

SO IF YOU'RE AVERSE TO THAT,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AWAY.

BUT THIS IS THE CLIMACTIC SCENE

FROM "WHIPLASHES."

YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER

TO GOD FOR THIS.

(imitates whip crack)

OW.

(laughter)

YOU'RE A DICK.

AND THEN, UM...

2009,

WHICH IS THE FINAL PIECE

BEFORE THE PIECE

I'M DOING CURRENTLY, UM...

I DID:

A REALLY EMOTIONAL PIECE.

IT MEANS A LOT TO ME,

SO FORGIVE ME IF I BREAK DOWN,

BUT IT'S CALLED

THE "THE BOY AND HIS DOG."

IT GOES LIKE THIS.

GET OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?

GO, PLEASE.

I CAN'T AFFORD TO KEEP YOU

ANYMORE, I JUST CAN'T.

JUST...DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER

THAN IT HAS TO BE.

JUST--I HATE YOU.

IS THAT WHAT YOU NEED

TO HEAR FROM ME?

I HATE YOU, OKAY?

I HATE YOU.

(voice breaks)

I HATE YOU!

AND IT'S JUST NOT ME.

MY DOG HATES MEXICANS,

TOO.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

OH, GOD.

GOTTA LOVE IRONY.

I, UM...

I BELIEVE IN THE ZODIAC.

I DO, I DO, COMPLETELY.

I'M A LEO.

I LOVE "TITANIC."

BUT THIS IS SOMETHING

A LITTLE BIT MORBIDLY IRONIC.

MY GRANDMOTHER,

SHE WAS A CANCER,

AND SHE:

WAS ACTUALLY KILLED

BY A GIANT CRAB.

(laughter)

THIS IS A SONG:

ABOUT THE IDEA OF IRONY.

SO STRAP IN.

(lively piano music plays)

MY DOG'S STOMACH

WAS VERY UPSET:

SO I PUT HIM IN THE CAR,

AND WE WENT TO THE VET

AND ON OUR WAY TO THE VET

I KILLED A CAT:

HEY,

I SAID ISN'T THAT IRONIC?

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