Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts and Prayers Page #4

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in Houston that question.

They just started firing guns in the air.

Didn't even let me finish the question.

I don't own a gun.

I'm against guns, to be honest.

When I was a kid...

When I was a kid, my parents had a gun.

My parents said we had to have a gun.

Gotta have a gun to protect

the five children.

Gotta have a gun

to protect our five children.

Of course, they eventually

got rid of it...

to protect their four children.

I'm not gonna lie,

it was fun while it lasted.

I was getting pretty good towards the end.

Man, my parents were strict.

Mom and dad were strict.

My mom and dad once made me smoke

an entire pack of cigarettes.

An entire pack of cigarettes

in one sitting.

Just to teach me an important lesson

about brand loyalty.

I learned a lot from my parents.

Especially my dad.

Like, I'll never forget...

the first time I ever got

a bad report card in school.

First time I got a bad report card,

I brought it home,

I gave it to my dad

and my dad beat me.

Beat the hell out of me.

But I learned something.

Because the next time I got

a bad report card in school,

I brought it home

and I gave it to my mom.

Let her take the hit.

Yeah.

My dad was a hard-ass.

One of those guys who believed that

men just learn by doing things.

You know? You don't take classes.

You don't read the instructions.

You just do it and figure it out.

Like, when I was a kid,

I never got to take swimming lessons.

No, my dad would pick me up

and throw me in the water

to teach himself CPR.

As a kid, my dad's prized possession,

my dad's favorite thing

in the world growing up?

My dad was the proud owner

of a Mickey Mantle rookie card.

Mickey Mantle rookie

baseball card, mint condition.

Kept it between two

little pieces of plastic.

But I was a kid.

I didn't know any better.

One day I took that card to school

and I traded it to a classmate

for a candy bar.

You know what that card is worth today?

My relationship with my father.

I mean it, my dad was no joke.

My dad did not f*** around.

My dad did not trust anybody.

My dad did not trust anyone.

In fact, he had a saying...

but he wouldn't tell me.

What, too clever for you?

That joke is f***in' amazing.

Last year was a sad year for my family.

Last year, my mom should've been

celebrating her 60th birthday.

But because of drugs, alcohol

and other terrible decisions,

we all forgot.

It was sad.

When I was a kid, I used to fantasize

about getting older,

growing up and having money,

and buying my mom

nice things for her birthday.

When I was a kid, we were poor.

So poor I remember,

just so I could go to my senior prom,

just so I could go to my senior prom,

I had to sell my

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