Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts and Prayers Page #5

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U.S. passport on the street.

Sold my passport

on the street for 300 bucks

to get to go to my prom.

Of course this was before 9/11 so...

my bad, everybody.

Weird joke to clap for, but sure.

My mom should've been on one

of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

I think.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I loved my mother.

She was my mom, of course

I loved her. We fought a lot.

My mom could be very racist.

Very racist.

And I do not tolerate racism.

That's ignorance and I hate that.

When I was a kid, like nine years old,

I'd come home after school.

Once in a while, I'd bring a friend

over to play with me at my house.

Once in a while,

I'd bring a black friend over.

And when I did that,

my mom would act weird.

She'd pull me aside and say,

"Anthony, who's your new friend?

Is he a drug dealer?"

And I would say,

"Shut up, Mom, that's racist.

Put your money away."

I never get to see

my family anymore, really.

Most of them are in jail, to be honest.

And we never talk, write letters

or any of that sh*t.

'Cause they're all in jail

for the exact same thing.

My testimony.

You.

- What's your name?

- Melissa.

- Melissa, where you from?

- Santa Clara.

- What do you do?

- I win things on the radio.

- You win things on the radio?

- Yeah.

Follow-up question,

how'd you get tickets to this?

Let me ask you this.

You ever, uh... you ever find a body

in the woods? Ever do that?

No?

It's okay. I have.

I was walking

through the woods one day and...

some poor bastard had stepped

in a bear trap or something.

I never told anybody about it.

But I went back there a week later,

and he was dead.

Yeah.

I do crazy sh*t like that all the time.

What can I say? I'm wacky.

The other night I was driving my car.

I was driving my car

and I ran over a deer...

a dear, dear friend.

I'm torn constantly. At night, I do shows,

but during the day, I've got a hobby.

During the day,

I go from town to town...

and I shut down the local abortion clinic.

You heard me.

I shut down abortion clinics

everywhere I go.

It's easy for me. I'm charming.

I stand outside the front doors

all day long and...

consistently underbid them.

You guys mad about that one?

It's gonna get so much f***in' worse.

Gotta talk to one more person.

You, sir. What's your name?

- Allan.

- Allan, where you from?

- Frisco.

- Frisco.

I can tell you're a local

'cause of how cool you are.

What do you do, Frisco?

- I fight fires. I fight fires.

- You what?

You're a firefighter? Awesome.

What do you wanna do?

If you could do anything.

If you could do any job in the world,

what would your dream job be?

- Travel the world.

- Travel the world.

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