Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts and Prayers

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Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, San Francisco.

Thank you so much.

So good to be here.

People were surprised

when I told 'em I was gonna

tape my special in San Francisco.

Said, "Why would you do that?

That's the most politically

correct city in the world."

Not when I'm on stage, it's not.

I love this place.

One of my favorite cities to perform in.

It's a good place to hang out.

Got to walk around a little bit today.

Saw a baby.

Saw a baby locked

inside the back of a hot car.

So it's been a great day.

Love that.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a monster.

I tried to help the baby.

Tried to throw a rock through the window.

Window was down.

Ruined that baby's whole weekend.

It was worth it.

I love San Francisco.

One of my favorite things is

how beautiful all the women are here.

Yeah. Women in San Francisco

are gorgeous.

I say that despite what's...

going on in this crowd tonight.

But you guys live here.

You guys live here. You've seen 'em.

I was in a bar last night,

saw this beautiful woman.

Like a supermodel.

I walked up, I was like,

"Hey, where you from?

What do you do?"

She goes, "Oh, me?

I live here in San Francisco.

I'm a brain surgeon."

I don't know if this makes me sexist,

but I was really impressed.

You know? I mean...

Most women... can't pull off sarcasm.

This is gonna be a good show.

See, that joke, that joke is a test.

To see if you guys are cool or not.

That thing about the baby in the car,

that's just me clearing my throat.

That joke's the test.

If you guys laugh at that joke,

whole show goes great.

You don't laugh at that joke,

whole show goes bad.

And I've had shows go very, very bad.

Doesn't matter to me at all.

Now, this next joke,

this next joke is a test

to see how cool you are.

I, uh...

I used to have a son.

Already some of you see

where this is going, that's good.

That's good.

I used to have a little

two-year-old son, but he died.

The same way Eric Clapton's son died.

For inspiration.

I'm not gonna lie, this is the best

that joke has ever done.

You guys kinda laughed,

then started talking to each other

for some reason.

Then started clapping, that is amazing.

Most people just boo me.

But if you didn't understand

the joke... don't worry.

It's a complicated joke,

a lot of things you gotta know.

That joke is like an onion.

You've gotta know who Eric Clapton is.

Not a given these days.

You've gotta know about his kid.

You gotta know how clumsy

that little lad was.

You gotta know about that

terrible f***ing song.

And then you gotta think all that's funny.

Now, I gotta get to know

you guys a little bit.

Starting with you for sure.

I can tell you're a big comedy fan

and bat-sh*t insane.

Did you just come

from the f***ing dentist or what?

What is your name?

- Peggy Jo.

- Peggy.

Peggy, what do you try to do?

Not a lot, I'm disabled.

You're disabled?

I know you're disabled.

Is this your husband with you?

Okay.

Sir, what do you do,

so I can move the f*** on.

- I'm an electrician.

- You're an electrician?

Great. That's an honorable job.

That's a good job to have.

I'm sure you shock the sh*t out of her

on a daily basis.

Electrician.

It's a wonderful job.

There's a lot of bad jobs out there,

I'll tell you that right now.

Lot of bad jobs.

Hell, my Uncle John

runs a summer camp for...

kids about to get molested.

I know, right?

I know, it sounds awful.

Sounds awful,

but he loves it. He's like...

Says he's never worked

a day in his life.

Doesn't pay much, but the benefits...

Do you guys have any kids? How many?

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