Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts and Prayers Page #3

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the thing right now

you can't make fun of,

the thing that's too sensitive

at this moment?

Trans-gendered people.

See?

You can't do it.

Can't make fun of them.

It's too sensitive.

In fact, you can't even call them

"chicks with d*cks" anymore.

No. No.

You have to call them

"men who talk too much."

Right?

But I hear this all the time.

People'll be like,

"Anthony, that was really funny.

But, man, women must hate you.

Women must come to your shows

and hate the sh*t out of you."

And I always say, "No. No.

Stupid women hate my shows."

"Stupid women hate my shows.

Smart women... don't come to my shows."

Speaking of which, what's your name?

- What? Kim.

- Kim.

- Kim, where you from?

- San Jose.

San Jose? Okay.

What do you do, Kim?

Um, I'm a branch manager.

- Like for a bank? For a Pizza Hut?

- No, for...

What? What the f***?

Where'd you go to school?

- UC Santa Cruz.

- What'd you study?

- Economics.

- Economics? Okay.

You ever gonna use that someday?

I had to go to Catholic school

when I was a kid.

Hated Catholic school.

Hated Catholic school more than anything.

The nuns were vicious.

They would hit me with a ruler,

slap me in the face.

Anything to defend themselves.

You guys loved

the sh*t out of that one, huh?

Hated school.

When I was in the fifth grade,

one of my classmates got cancer.

Came down with the cancer.

Which was sad.

But the story is actually cool

and inspiring.

Every single guy...

Every single guy in the school, we all...

shaved our heads to make fun of him.

Yeah.

No, it was great.

It was great, we did it for like a month.

We would have kept doin' it, but you know.

You know how cancer gets.

You guys ever... You guys ever

trace back your family history?

Go back a couple generations

in your family tree,

find out embarrassing sh*t

you wish you didn't know?

I traced my family tree back,

found that I actually had family

fighting on both sides in World War II.

Humiliating.

The piece-of-sh*t side of my family fought

for the Nazi infantry in Germany,

while the bad-ass Jeselniks

were here in America

spying for the Germans.

I assume everyone is drinking tonight?

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

Whoo!

That's good. I love to drink.

Love it. Do it all the time,

every day, always have.

I don't know where it comes from either.

Even my parents tell me,

when I was just a little baby,

I used to climb out of

my crib every morning,

and then crawl over

to the liquor cabinet...

to try to spend time with them.

I like San Francisco, so liberal.

So liberal. Clap your hands here.

Clap your hands if you own a gun.

San Jose is in the house, huh?

Not too bad.

I once asked the crowd

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