Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa Page #4

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It will take long. OK.

Hi, Pat. I'll catch you later.

I'm not happy about it, but...

I'll have to go along with it, won't I?

The... The problem is that the phone

rings even when I'm speaking on it,

so it sounds bloody weird.

In fact, I think it just did it then.

Did you hear it? Yes?

Yeah. He heard it too.

OK, well, I'll leave it with you.

Mm-hm. Yep.

Yep.

All right. Thanks, Susan.

If Geoff Susan doesn't mend that phone,

there'll be hell to pay.

They wouldn't even let me say goodbye

to my listeners.

Just gave me 30 minutes

to clear out my locker.

Well, at least I'm getting

their mugs dirty.

Thanks, Alan.

You always stuck up for me.

Not like the others.

Well, I'll let you get back to... Geoff.

- Who's Geoff?

- Geoff Susan.

Oh, yes, of course.

Ahhhhh...

I did the right thing, didn't I, Lynn?

I mean, I think he knew his days

were numbered.

More of an assisted suicide really.

I just ew him to Switzerland

and filled out a few forms and...

...sloped off to the airport.

I've got to be honest, Lynn,

I'm feeling pretty crummy.

Pat's Irish, isn't he?

To be sure.

Why don't you donate

50 to Sinn Fein?

Perfect.

Love that noise.

Keep me away from the sausage rolls.

I'm wearing my chubby clothes again.

- I noticed.

- What the chub, or the clothes?

- Ipad.

- My-pad.

Not that funny, Lynn.

CALVIN HARRIS feat. KELIS:

Bounce

- I used to go with prostitutes.

- Brilliant.

Cocaine - that was a trigger.

Cocaine, prostitutes.

Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er...

luminous green bile.

Yeah, I was withdrawing.

I've got my minder with me.

- Lynn?

- She might not seem tough

but I once saw her stamp on

50 cockroaches in a minute.

He didn't see. He was in the next room.

- It was in Wales.

- It's true, yeah.

All I could hear was crunch, crunch,

crunch, stamp, stamp, stamp.

I thought she was country dancing

whilst eating cereal.

I thought it was the End of Days.

They were legion.

Lynn likes The Bible.

I've never understood moths.

They only come out at night,

yet they're attracted to light.

I don't know why they just don't

come out during the day.

I've nothing to add to that.

If you substituted buttery...

Could you go and get me

some sausage rolls?

If you substituted buttery for moth,

I think it would sound like poetry, yeah.

Unfortunately, Wordsworth didn't say:

"I wandered lonely as a moth

to eat some jumpers in a drawer"

"As if that wasn't bad enough,

it ate my sock upon the moor"

Yeah. It's just... I don't know why

a sock could be on the moor.

A mitten, maybe.

I actually spewed up some

of my stomach lining.

I don't know if you've ever done er...

done any horse, have you?

- I've ridden a donkey.

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