Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa Page #5

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- No, no, no, I mean heroin.

I know what you mean.

No, I've not done heroin.

- If you can read, read a book.

Citizen Kane. Black and white.

I haven't seen that.

I tell you what, the best film for me,

ever, is still The Godfather.

- Ah, amazing film.

- Perfect film.

"I'm gonna make him an offer

he can't refuse.

- Amazing acting, though.

- Great acting.

I tell you what's even better-

a lot of people are shocked when I say

this - the camera angles.

- Alan, I need a word.

- Camera angles?

It's rather delicate.

Remember when you took me for that

Christmas meal at the ice rink?

You remember that woman

disinfecting the boots?

The one that took a shine to you?

I went home and you and her...

Well, it's... none of my business.

It is none of your business, but for

the record, went back to her place,

watched Air Crash Investigation,

then I fell asleep in her big armchair.

A perfectly normal woman.

Well, she's here.

Lynn, get rid of her.

She's a drunk racist.

- I'll tolerate one, but not both.

- Fine.

But you said I could pop by any time.

I know, but my career's

hanging by a thread.

- And I'm an embarrassment, am I?

- No, no.

You just wanted sex, you used me.

Well, maybe you used me.

L-I didn't have much of a say

over what went on that night.

Didn't hear you complaining.

- I couldn't speak.

- See you round mine again, then.

I... don't know, I'm... I'm...

- What's wrong with my place?

- Well... all those dogs barking.

But it's their bedroom too.

May I have a word?

You're talking clap... crap!

I sound like a f***ing Chinky

when I'm pissed!

There we go. All done.

- What did you say to her?

- I told her that God loves everyone.

Even sluts.

- Good night, Lynn.

- Night, Alan.

Hello?

V funny. Tee-hee.

Very impressive.

Oh, they must have left in a hurry.

Something weird's happened.

All right, you freaked me out, so just...

pack it...

There you are!

Pat? Agh!

I'm down.

You...

You step to me?

Simon.

Er...

Yeah, all right.

I'll go on without you.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

- I need to commandeer this vehicle.

- What?

- There's a mad man with a gun.

- Um...

- He's Irish!

- Get in.

Why do you sit so close to the wheel?

I could steer with my balls!

- Where's the nearest police station?

- Just here.

Oh... thanks.

Are you Alan Partrid...?

Assault, battery, kidnap,

chronic thuggery,

brandishment, actual bodily harm,

grievous bodily harm...

- ..harm.

- Just stick to what you saw

and we'll decide if it's ABH or GBH.

- You mean aitch?

- That's what I said.

Nearly, you said haitch.

"Ha" is the sound of the letter,

aitch is its name.

One is ha, the other is aitch.

Neither is "haitch".

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