Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa




That music was very foreboding.

It's made a shiver go down my spine.

- That'll be the air-conditioning.

- I would've taken it off sooner

but I was having a fascinating

conversation with the proud father

of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child.

Just passed his details on

to the Social Services.

The time is 11:
59 and 55 seconds.

- It's midday.

- Well, no... Well, yeah, it is now.

You're listening to Mid-Morning Matters.

Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.

Music and chat for the

Norfolk generation.

Sorry, it's the other way.

Later we'll be taking dedications

for anyone wrongly turned down

for planning permission.

Also, I'll be asking:

Which is the worst monger?

Fish, iron, rumour or war?

Pretty clear, that one.

Now it's time for

today's large question.

Large question.

It's the near future.

An unprovoked chemical attack

from France, or possibly China,

has left us without a sense of smell.

In a whiff-free world,

what smell would you miss the most?

- Tom in Diss?

- Petrol.

Nice. Wrongly referred to

by the Americans as "gas".

It's petrol, not gas.

- Dominic in Castle Acre?

- Money.

Yep. Joe in Holt?

- My wife's nightie.

- You kinky get.

- Saucy sod.

- She died, you see.

- Smells matter.

- They do.

Hey, Greg.

This is a great station, a real cracker.

Yeah. Hi, Pat.

Um... this is Jason Tresswell.

- Managing Director of...

- Goredale Media.

Our new owners, huh?

I Googled you on Yahoo.

That's Pat Farrell.

Does week nights. 10-12.

Sleepy-time slot.

- So, are you on your way out?

- You tell me.

Is it true you're being taken over

by a bunch of corporate whores?

Er... Gillian, I'm 99%

certain that's not true.

We've got a text here from

Joy in Diss who says:

An easy way to solve the problems

in Israel...

- A thorny issue.

- ..would be for Judaism and Islam to merge.

Wouldn't hold your breath.

- They both hate pigs.

- True enough.

You could call it Jislam.

I think you can go in circles, can't you,

trying to think of names for something?

Even er... a cat.

Well, nettles cause 'em,

dock leaves cure 'em.

It's a sting. It's Sting.


- Sorry.

- Never, never criticise Muslims.

Only Christians. And Jews a little bit.

Alan, it's started. They're here.

We're being taken over.



You don't have to put on the red light

Those days are over

You don't have to sell

your body to the night


Are you in the business centre?

Coconut, everybody

Like de coconut

Coconut, coconut...

Coconut, coconut

Oh, hello, Lynn. Just reading about

how ospreys died out in Britain

and had to be reintroduced

from Scandinavia in the early '90s.

Now I think there are

almost 500 of them.

Yeah. 480.

It shows we should treasure

and value our wildlife.

So, what you got, girl?

Well, the butchers want you

to do another voiceover.

"Bannan's the Butcher's.

Yesterday's meat at today's prices."

You've had the mayor of

Hickling get in touch.

He listens to your show and wants to

offer you the freedom of the village.

- It doesn't even have a post office.

- They give you a big key.

- How big?

- That big.

- Tell him I accept.

Everything seems to be

chugging along nicely.

Everything OK, Alan?

Michael's just sent a text saying he

hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.

- How does he...

- He steals it from a pub.

- Oh.

- That's a relief.

Shared a bag of salty popcorn

with him last week.

Roll out the barrel!

- Hi, I'm Pat Farrell.

Join me tonight at 10 for a hearty

casserole of tunes, cheer and chin-wag.

Local folk trio Will-o'-the-wisp

will be playing live in the studio,

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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