50 Ways to Leave Your Lover Page #4

Yeah,

I was just getting to that.

Rob, listen, you're one of

my closest, dearest friends...

so I say this with true love.

Your girlfriend

is a huge screaming c*nt.

She's cut you off

from your friends...

and made you take

these anti-depressives...

that have turned you

into a sad, boring ghost...

who leaves parties early

and drinks out of a juice box...

and most likely

sits down to piss.

Trust me.

All your friends agree...

this woman has the brain

of a Pilates machine...

and a heart

the size of a Zoloft.

Dump her!

Hey. What's going on?

Hi! I was just telling Rob here

what a c*nt you are...

and how dull you've made him--

Unh!

F*** you, Owen.

Let's go.

So long, old friend.

I'm gonna miss you.

Well, this is a nice way to say

good-bye to all your friends.

Well, you can't say

I wasn't honest.

Aah. At least I leave

with a clear conscience.

What are you gonna do

when you want to come back?

Well, that's the beauty of it.

Now I can't.

Great. Great.

So, you trashed your life.

For what?

Ahh.

Well, among other things...

an ex-Soviet

Nobel prize-winning physicist.

I told him I'd give him

his first three chapters...

for free

if he hired me to write his bio.

Dear Mr. McCabe, I am most

interested in your proposal.

The sooner

you come to Breighton...

the sooner we can begin.

In fact, I suggest

you leave immediately...

before there is

another earthquake.

L.A. is a doomed city.

Yours, Vassily Stepniak.

That's...

Wow. Ha!

So, I guess this is, uh...

this is really it.

Don't you have any final

earth-shattering words for me?

Ha ha!

There are no words for you.

Mmm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm!

Owen?

Owen.

Eileen's boyfriend, right?

Oh, my God. Hi.

I didn't recognize you.

Yeah, well,

last time you saw me...

I probably had my eyes open...

and my tongue

wasn't down someone's throat.

I knew there was something

different. It's Val, right?

Yeah. And this is Max--

my boyfriend Max.

-This is Owen.

-Hi.

Owen and I met at this

oil spill cleanup years ago.

Ah, so you must be

in Friends of the Earth, too.

No, I was just there

to pick up girls.

Heh. So, how are you?

Are you still with Eileen, or...

Well, Eileen and l, you know...

I mean, we decided

we'd be happier, um...

It's complicated.

I got dumped.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Hey, darling, listen,

my plane's going. I got to go.

-But you have ten minutes.

-Yeah.

-I'll call you.

-OK.

Mmm.

-Bye.

-Bye.

So, how long

have you guys been together?

Oh, um, four years.

He, um, he just got this

really great job in Miami...

so he's gonna try living there

for a while.

Which is fine, really.

I mean, we--

It's complicated, but...

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